Where is She?

Where is she my Mom of 58 years?
She is here in body, spirit, and energy but, not in mind. For those folks that say Alzehiemers sucks I must agree. Mom has always been a soft-spoken woman very friendly with folks she never met. With this disease, I have seen a side of my Mom that I never thought that I would see. One moment she is being "herself" the next she turns into a raging mad woman.

This disease has totally rearranged our relationship from her playing the role of Mom and me being the daughter to her being the daughter and me being the Mom. It's as if she is the toddler that I have never had. It's really hard for me to write this way in reference to my Mom but it's true.

Dad is so sweet with her. He feels he doesn't do enough for her. Even though, he is over there all the time, in the memory unit where she lives now. He is very patient and kind to her. He says he doesn't want her to forget him but in the end, that's what's going to happen. That's the reality of this horrible disease.

My Dad and I are trying to muddle through this together. Both of us trying to figure all this out. We do have help from my wife Kathy, who went through this with both of her parents and my Uncle Jack, Dad's brother. Folks who say this isn't a family disease haven't ever experienced it. Everything changes, nothing is the same. All the holidays have a different meaning. My Mom loved Christmas. It was her favorite Holiday. Now, she doesn't understand any of it. She loved decorating the tree now she doesn't know how. It's sad to see and experience this.

Sometimes I sit and watch Mom. There are times she stares off into space and I wonder what is she thinking about if anything. I so want to help her figure this out but how can I when I can't even figure this out for myself. She is such a beautiful soul. It's so sad to see her disappear with each new day, gone never to return.

It does take a village and we have one with our whole family. I want to thank Mom's family. My cousins and her sister Shirley and brother Ed who visit with her and laugh with her,  Jeff and Tammy who have been there from the beginning. Friends who have asked about her and sent love and thoughts to her. Dads family. His brother Jack and sister Glo and his nieces and nephews. Thanks to all of you for your love and support! Together we will get through this and grow with love. Blessed Be.

JUST ANOTHER DAY

Well, hello everyone! Yes, it has been a while since I have shared my thoughts and feelings with all ya'll in Jillsville. Today happens to be New Years Eve 2017. We are going to be saying goodbye to 2017 and hello to 2018.

When I first got sober, in fact, it was my first year in AA I was so worried when December 31st rolled around. I was only 4  months sober and still a bit shaky. My sponsor, at the time, was  Margaret, she was also an old drinking buddy of mine. I was fortunate in more ways than one to have her in my corner in the beginning of my sobriety.  She sat me down and said to me, Jill it's just another day. My response to her was, Oh Hell No It Isn't! Well, actually yes it is.

That year she took me to the place that I first got sober in Aberdeen, NC. They were having what is known as an Alcathon. All day and all night meetings. The building stayed open and the coffee and the meetings flowed. That's where I  spent my first sober New Years Eve. I was surrounded by a bunch of sober drunks playing board games and having back to back meetings and flooding my bladder with coffee. It was good to know that I was not the only one that felt that New Year's Eve wasn't just another day.

I have had 27 years of New Year's Eve's and it's good to know that it IS just another day! My New Years Eve is going to be spent at home with my wife and critters. We will be warm and cozy and probably in bed asleep by 9pm. Tomorrow we will wake up feeling good and loved in the knowledge of knowing we spent this "Just another day" together. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Happy New Years Everyone! May 2018 find everyone in good health and good spirits.

These are my  Thoughts and Feelings from Jillsville.

Family Stuff

Have you ever had an intense telephone conversation and wished that you had said more than you did? Yep. I had one of those on Saturday.  It was with a family member who has disowned me. So many times I go over this in my mind. Trying to figure it all out. Why? What happened? What's the deal? Sometimes just maybe there is nothing to figure out.

With the New Year coming up I figured well, let me just give this another try. I was told during this conversation that with the New Year coming up let's not keep rehashing this same old stuff. Well, Okay then. Why do you keep doing this to yourself, you might ask? Well, family matters to me. My family of origin matters to me. But it seems that I am the only one that it matters to. 

Life can turn on a dime. I like to get all my ducks in a row, so to speak. Apparently, no one in my immediate family of origin thinks that way. I am baffled by how someone that you have been there for during rough times can just say, I am so done with you, Get out of my life, You are no longer a part of me and of course, I am supposed to just say okay.

Things are tough enough in this life without family. I am fortunate I still have some members of my family of origin that I could not have made it through this without them. My Aunt Shirley is one of them. She has been my rock and my driving force. I am extremely fortunate to have a family of choice that I have come to love as much as anyone could. My wife Kathy, her family and my dear friends. I have so much love in my life. 

Yet, I still have questions and wonderings of why....

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

I'VE GOT YOU BACK

It's amazing to me just how many friends I do have today. I have always been the one to say, Hey I've got your back. Never realizing just how many people have my back. Sometimes we are so focused on what we don't have that we loose sight of what we do have.

There are many of my friends going through rough times  right now. Breakups, Mental stress, Physical pain and Family  issues just to name a few. Living life on lives terms is not an  easy place to be sometimes. As many of you know I have been going through a really hard time with my Mom. We have been estranged now for 5 years,  her choice not mine. Recently I got  word that she is slipping mentally and with us being estranged it makes it even  harder for me to comprehend that I can't spend time with her or I should say that she doesn't want me in her life.

The friends that I have are very supportive. My wife Kathy and My aunt Shirley are two of my biggest supporters. In fact, without them "having my back" and supporting me through this there is no   telling where I would be right now especially after finding out about my mother's condition. Life is full of twist and turns. One day everything is A  Okay and the next minute things are chaotic. The one thing  for all of us to remember  is that things can change on a dime  so be prepared to reach out and let  people in. Sometimes that's all  we have to survive Life on Lives Terms. Let someone Have Your Back and you Have Someone elses back. That's how we survive!

These are my Thoughts and Feelings From Jillsville.

IT"S PAST TIME

It's past time for some gun control in this country of ours. When are people going to wake up and realize that this isn't a good thing for our country. Innocent  people,  children, are  dying because of the gun happy  people we have in this  country of ours. Yes I have used the word country alot  because that's what  I am talking about. Out of  control guns and gun ownership in  our  country! 

The NRA has gotten out of control for one thing. It is beyond my comprehension how any human could not be touched  in some way by this  tragic  occurrence in Charleston SC and the horrible tragedy in Newtown.  This is  just one example of what  I mean: "National Rifle Association board member Charles Cotton blamed Clementa Pinckney, a state senator and pastor at Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church, for his own death and for the death of his parishioners in Charleston this week, Thinkprogress reports. " Where is this man's  moral compass?! Blame everyone and everything except the homegrown Terrorist Thug and the gun he was using! It's not the same NRA that it was back in the day. Now it is a Political Powerhouse! It's time to take them down!!

It is my opinion the ONLY reason to have a gun is that you intend on  killing someone or something.   Think about it. Some  people say they get a gun for protection...well if someone tries to hurt you what are you going to do...shoot them. Some people say they get a gun for target practice...well  when you do  shoot at targets what are you doing...executing  a shoot to  kill tactic. Some people say I  got a gun to shoot skeet...well what are doing when you shoot those skeet..yep a shoot to  kill tactic. Some people say they get  a  gun to go hunting...well when you go hunting what  do you do...shoot and kill  an animal.  Violence and destruction and  guns  go together!

I will never forget the comment made by Wayne LaPierre  Executive VP  of  the NRA  after the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting  in Newtown Connecticut almost 3 years ago when he had a press converence. Link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandy_Hook_Elementary_School_shooting 
"The  only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun, Is a good  guy with a gun." More guns  that is NOT the  answer. The  sad thing about that is that so many people agreed with him because the gun sales  rose!!

It seems the only time people get all riled up about gun control is  when a tragedy happens. My  thoughts are that if nothing happened when our children of Newtown  were massacred then nothing will ever happen to curve  this country's need  for  guns!! What does this say about our  country? It  says plenty. 

These are my Thoughts and Feelings from Jillsville

I dedicate this blog to all those that have lost their lives to gun  violence at the hands of a homegrown Terrorist Thug(s) Rest In Peace 

SOMETHING GOIN ON ROUND HERE

Here are the headlines in North Carolina: Republican-led NCGA overturns SB2 Veto, thereby allowing civil magistrates and register-of-deeds to "opt out" of addressing marriages they personally disagree with. ‪#‎SB2‬ ‪#‎NCGA‬ ‪#‎stopSB2‬‪#‎NCpol‬. Tell me how is this legal? And how are they (GOP Led N.C. General Assembly) able to get away with breaking the constitution and the law? This is only part of the shenanigan's that these conservatives are getting away with here in my Native North Carolina. The veto part of this is that our Conservative Governor Pat McCrory vetoed this bill not allowing magistrates to break the law. Then wouldn't you know it, his cohorts overrode his veto. Like Pat didn't know that this was going to happen.

Why is it that these conservatives find it necessary to harass a small minority of people instead of fixing things that are broken in our state? Namely roads and unemployment. Granted this is nothing like the civil rights of African American's back in the 60's and in our history. The violence that took place is certainly nothing like this minority bashing. But at the same time it is still taking basic rights away from a small minority group of individuals. When are people going to get mad and take a stand! We do have our Moral Monday Movement and we do have NAACP on our side with Dr. William Barber. It is almost as if we take 2 step forward only to take 3 steps back with this NCGA ( North Carolina General Assembly) or and don't forget the GOP led.

This conservative NCGA is also getting into Women's Rights to bare children or not to bare children. Yes Abortion or lack there of! I have always felt that it is NONE of MY business what a woman does with or to her body. If she wants or even needs an Abortion it is NONE of MY business just as it is NONE of the NCGA's business!! Yes another broken promise of Pat McCrory's. He said he would never interfere with Women's Rights. Well he has.

Why can't these conservatives just leave the LGBT community and Women Alone! Deal with the things that matter most. Not family but roads and unemployment. My hope is that people will wake up and see that this is just hurting this state!!

Yep there is most definitely Something Goin On Round Here!

These are my Thoughts and Feelings from Jillsville.

FAMILY HUNGER

Let me begin this blog with a little background. I have a wonderful family in my wife Kathy's family and in my own family. As many of you know I have been estranged from my mother for a few years now, her choice not mine. On my Mom's side I have her sister my Aunt Shirley, who is the mother of my heart, she has been there for me my whole life.  I have cousins that love me and that I love back. I was raised by a man that my mother married. It was a wild and crazy childhood some good, some not so good. I didn't want for anything material but I also worked for everything that I got. I met my half brother Todd. We have an on and off relationship. Which I dislike because I have always wanted a brother. All this on my mother's side.

I met my father when I was 23 years old.  Even though I knew about him when I was 16 years old. We corresponded for a while then it slowed down then stopped. When I was working in Chapel Hill I had a longing to meet my father so I called him. We made plans and met in Virginia where he lived. I met his family and they met me. He has a son and a daughter. Now I have 2 half bothers and a half sister. I would have liked to have gotten to know them but it just hasn't worked out. My father died and now it seems as though a big part of a hope died with him. I just didn't know how to go about getting to know him. All this on my father's side.

This blog came to my mind because of a Facebook post that my half brother Alan put up today honoring his Dad on Memorial Day. He put on the post with Kristin Kidd and not me. It hurt me because I feel as though I have no immediate family to call my own. I do realize that family is what and who you choose. But for me blood line is important. I have always wanted a kid brother. Here I have a chance to have two or do I?

These are my Thoughts and Feelings from Jillsville.