REGRETS IN LIFE

Everyone has regrets in their life. Some are big and some are small but everyone has some type of regret and if you don't then you haven't lived your life fully yet. This blog post comes one day after finding out about the death of my biological father/ my Dad Alan Reynolds Kidd Jr. His actual death date was September 14th 2012 three days before his 79th Birthday. Hence begins one of my biggest regrets of my life and I do have many regrets in my life. Now by me not being told until 8 days after his death I wasn't able to attend his funeral. I guess that makes this two of the biggest regrets of my life. 

Let's begin with some background of how this man became a part of my life and how I became a part of his. It was 1960 probably around December if you count back nine months. According to my Mom and my Dad the story goes like this. One day my Mom a beautiful 19 year old young woman was at work, at that time she worked in a book store on the main street in downtown, she was up on a ladder getting a book for a customer when outside a man was walking by in his military uniform. My Dad said when he saw her he couldn't believe how pretty she was so he walked into the bookstore. My mom said when she heard the bell on the door she turned to greet the customer and there was my future Dad a 27 year old young man standing there she said he was so handsome. They both began a conversation and a whirl wind romance.

On a cold night in December by the warm fire it happened they made love and I was conceived. My Mom said it was her first time and she was in love. Now my Dad was on leave from the Air Force visiting his parents at the time. When Mom told him she was pregnant he wasn't sure what to do. One of my Uncles was his superior officer and he knew what to do. The two choices my Dad was given was to marry my Mom or become dishonorably discharged. Hence my last name Kidd. They were married for two years but didn't live together for the whole two years. They were divorced and he went his way and she stayed with her family and eventually I came along. He wasn't there when I was born and I didn't meet him until I was older.

When I was 16 I found a letter that he had written my Mom asking to be relieved from child support payments. Since she was remarried she said okay. He already had a family of his own and was retired from the Air Force. I got his address from this letter and wrote him back for the first time. He wrote me back and we began a correspondence. We exchanged pictures and letters. I remember the first picture he ever sent me of himself was him standing with his rifle and a deer hanging from a tree. OMG what a picture to send a 16 year old. But oh well we continued. I still have those letters and each one of them he signed Love Dad.

As I got older my drinking increased and the correspondence stopped. This is where my regrets started but at the time I didn't realize it because I was so busy drinking and smoking dope. I was young and stupid I guess you could say. As time went on I graduated high school and moved to Florida for a few months. Then came home and decided to go to the community college. I graduated from the Surgical Tech school. I was 21 at the time and moved to Chapel Hill where I worked at UNC-CH in the Operating Room. This was my first job and the first time I was really on my own. So of course the drinking increased and so did the dope smoking. My life was spiraling down fast. Then one day I don't know why or what processed me to do this but I called information and I got my Dad's phone number in Virginia. The first time I called him I was 24 years old. I was so nervous that first time that I hung up when he answered the phone. Then I mustered up the courage to call him back a few minutes afterward. When he answered the phone this time he said my name before I could speak. He said I had a feeling it was you. WoW! This was the beginning of our communication again.

We arranged to meet for the first time shortly after this first phone call. My cousin Tammy lives in Richmond and I stayed with her the night before I was to meet my Dad. In fact, she drove me up there to meet him. When he stepped out of his car Tammy and I looked at each other and our mouths dropped open. He was a very attractive man. I could see how my Mom fell for him. We had a great day. It was one of the best days of my life next to my wedding day. We talked and went to museums. We both are/were civil war readers and followers. On this day he told me the story of how he met my Mom and how he felt about her. He said he was very fond of her and he regretted what he did to her as far as the hurt he caused her. He also said his biggest regret was not being there for me. I will never forget his words that day at the cafe table where we were eating lunch. Tears began filling up in his eyes as he talked to me and the words he was saying were heartfelt. He hugged me tight when I left and said let us not loose touch with each other please. 

The next meeting was at his house with his family. It was at Thanksgiving time. I took my baby album with me and as he and I sat out on his porch just the two of us he began to tear up looking at my baby pictures. Here was this retired Air Force pilot tearing up looking at baby pictures of me and shaking his head as he spoke softly to me. He said it looks like your Mom has done a great job raising you to be the special young woman that you are today.At that time I was 24.  Now I am the one tearing up as I type this blog. I felt like a part of his family. But again my drinking and dope smoking got in the way. I began drifting away from my Dad. The letters were fewer and fewer. Then none at all. No more phone calls.
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After Kathy and I got together I re-read the letters from my Dad to her. Now that I am clean and sober the letters had new meaning to me. In fact reading these letter out loud to Kathy was the first time any one else had ever heard them. I didn't share them with anyone else. She helped me to see that he was reaching out to me for a relationship and had been for all these years. I began sending him Father's Day cards again and Birthday Cards again. I wrote to my sister Kristin and she wrote back. Then Facebook came around and Kristin and my brother Alan and I became facebook friends. My Dad wasn't able to get on Facebook or write or talk on the phone any longer because he had a stoke.

My regret is that my Dad and I lost contact all those years before because of my drinking and smoking dope and the fact that I was too stubborn to see that he was trying the best he knew how to have a relationship with me. But because it seemed that I had to initiate it every time I became oblivious to the fact that he was there for me all I had to do was ask.

Later I found out from corresponding with my sister Kristin through facebook that he also had regrets about our relationship but that he didn't talk much about it because he tended to keep things inside. Well what do you know another character trait that I got from him. I to tended to keep things inside and not let my true feelings show. That is until I met my wife Kathy.

The last time I saw my Dad was a few years ago when he and his wife Sue came down from Virginia to visit Kristin. I will never forget the phone call I got from Kristin. Kathy and I were at the LGBT film festival in Durham when she called. She said her folks were here in town for a visit and how would I like to come over for dinner. I said sure how about Kathy. She thought it wouldn't be a good idea right now and Kathy understood that. So it was with Kathy's blessing that I went to see my Dad and the Kidd family for dinner. On this visit my Dad and I looked at albums of his time in Viet Nam. He said being a pilot he was ordered to do things that he didn't want to do. Kristin said that he never talked about his tour of duty. While Kristin and her Mom were in the kitchen getting dinner ready my Dad and I were sitting out on her couch talking. All of a sudden he reached over to me with his hand and took my chin gently and turned my face to his and kissed me softly on the lips as a father would a daughter and then hugged me. My sister came in the room and took this picture of us. This is the last time I saw or spoke to my Dad.

Many of us have regrets. I regret not doing more to keep up our relationship. I keep regretting not going to see my Dad in the hospital and kissing him on his lips before he died. So many regrets but the one thing I have learned is that all you can do is your best in this life. No one has a crystal ball and no one can keep kicking themselves over regrets. You just have to move on there is no other choice. I love/loved my Dad and wish that we could have gotten to know each other better. I feel as though he loved me in his way.  I only wish that he could have met the woman I love and gotten to know her. Death has a way of putting things in perspective. 

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.