IT'S COMPLICATED

So many relationships are complicated. The family ones are the ones that are truly the most complicated. The relationship that I want to talk about is the one between Mother and Daughter. In particular mine. It happened 5 years ago. My mother decided she didn't want to have anything to do with me all because of a letter that I wrote to her. This letter was design to open up a dialog between us instead it opened up a wedge. I always thought my Mom and I had the kind of relationship that was open and close. I soon realized that wasn't true much to my surprise and disappointment.

It all started back when I began going to therapy. My therapist was/is fantastic. She would allow me free range with my feelings. Hell she taught me about feelings. I never knew that feelings are different emotions and each one has a name. I know it sounds strange and at the same time nonsense that someone of my age and reasonable intelligence would have a problem with knowing what feelings are but it was true. I never thought about feelings. But boy did my therapist bring them out in me. Thank goodness. 

During this time in therapy I began to realize that my childhood was one of complexity in that my feelings didn't really matter and that each emotion that I felt wasn't allowed so I began burying them deeper and deeper until my therapist help me to bring them up to the surface and start to deal with them. That is when I decided that I really needed to write a letter to my Mom expressing those feelings to her. Boy did that backfire on me!! Oh did I mention there is a step-father involved. They were married when I was 8. I call them the roller coaster years..

Shortly after my Mom received the letter from me, I received a certified letter back from her stating that she no longer wanted a relationship with me, this is putting it nicely. You would think that a letter like this would upset me and say F you...but it didn't instead it made me see my Mom in a different light. It made me realize that my feelings really don't matter to her and that we didn't have the relationship that I thought we had.

I have attempted to talk to her on many occasions to no avail. She will not take my phone calls, she will not answer my texts. I don't even know if she has gotten any of my letters that I have sent to her asking if we can just talk. I just need closure or do I? ..

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.