A LOOK BACK AT 2012

This morning I woke up thinking about things that happened this past year in my personal life to me and to people in my life that I love and that love me. Last month it was the year anniversary of the death of my Lucky Lu girl. She was 15 years old when we had to make that horrible yet humane decision to put her to sleep. It was a tough year to go through. She was such an important part of my life and our family. 

My biological father died just a few days before his 79th birthday in September. I didn't get the chance to really get to know him as much as I would have liked to. Through this experience I lost contact with my half sister and my bio Dad's wife but I still have some contact with my half brother. It is a sad situation all the way around. Misunderstandings and many different emotions concerning the death of this man that abandoned me and my mother before I was born. We both tried but not with all we had to have a relationship. I guess it just simply wasn't meant to be. I still feel a certain amount of loss with his death. Mostly of what wasn't that could have been.

This brings me to my mother. This year marks the 2nd year of not having any contact with her. I guess you could say that both my parents have abandoned me at some point in my life. The only difference being that my Mom loved me and was there for me my whole life up to a couple years ago just as I have been and still am today with her. But somehow and for some reason she chose to fall out of love with me her only daughter of 50 plus years instead of talking about what exactly is going on with her and what her feelings are about this situation. Communication doesn't come easy to some and I guess just not talking about stuff is one way to pretend that it isn't happening. Through working on this in therapy and talking with close friends I have come to the decision to think of my Mom as a woman not a parent. It makes it easier for me to look at it that way. Whatever it takes is my philosophy now.

This past year because of the Alzheimer's Disease becoming increasingly more consuming of her body and mind Kathy and I had the good fortune to have her Mom come and live with us. It was a year of all sorts of emotions from laughter, joy, tears, grief and melancholy. Through this experience Kathy and I bonded more and more and became a great support for one another. Our family motto now is  "It's All Good." In time it became obvious that Kathy's Mom was no longer able to live with us because of her increasing loss of balance so we put her into a new Alzheimer's facility. This facility is about 3 miles from our house so it is easy to go see her. She got to the point that she was falling more and more. Kathy would be unable to lift her by herself if she were to fall while I was not home. Her Mom has been at the new facility now a few months and she is still falling alot and now we are considering another facility with more one on one access to her. The Alzheimer's is taking more and more of Kathy's Mom from us. It is a hard thing for me to watch and to be a part of I can only imagine what it is like for Kathy and her sibs emotionally. I see it in Kathy's face and in her heart and we talk about it alot.  I just hope that I am  helping her as much as I can to soften it. As I said above our family motto is "It's All Good No Matter What."

My brother Todd and his wife Miranda lost their infant daughter while she was still in the womb. My brother and his wife have all boys. This would have been their the first daughter for both of them. It was heartbreaking for them and I am sure it still is. I hold them in the light every day. 

Kathy's sister Barb was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. She had to have a hysterectomy and she is doing well at this time. Cancer is a devastating disease to live with because you never know if it is going to land somewhere else in your body. I have lived with Breast Cancer for many years now and it still makes me wonder if it will land somewhere else in my body. It just makes you stronger and Barb is one of the strongest women that I know.

About a month ago our neighbor came over while I was cleaning out the garage and asked me if we would be interested in a puppy. My first thought was NO but I did not say it out loud.  She went on to explain how she came about getting the puppy. She rescued it from her cousin who was abusing her. Well given my soft heart when it comes to rescues I listened on..the reason why she had to find another home for the puppy was because her daughter is a toddler and both her daughter and puppy play hard and she was worried that one of them would end up getting hurt and she was nervous about that. Well I took her cell number and went inside to talk it over with Kathy. Now Kathy's first response was well let's talk about this a bit. It took us all afternoon off and on to discuss this but in the end we both agreed that we should adopt the puppy. Her name is Nana and I wanted to add Lu to her name after Lucky Lu. So we call her Nanalu. She fits into our family very nicely. With Torrie so old now and not wanting to play with the Budster at all. With Buddy being so  young he wants to play. Now with Nanalu he has a playmate and they play and play all the time. Nanalu has added life to our home. What a great addition to our family!

No matter what the New Year holds for me and my family we will go through it together and become stronger for it. 

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

IT'S ALL IN THE EYES

I have always heard some people say that you can tell alot about a person from their eyes and that the eyes are the way to see into someone's soul. I am a true believer in both those statements. The eyes are the first thing that I notice about someone when I first meet them. For instance my wife Kathy when I first met her I noticed that she had and still has a certain joy and happiness in her eyes. They sparkle alot of the time even when she is having a sad or bad day. When we first met I would say to her take off those rose colored glasses of yours sweetie...now I say I love those rose colored glassed of yours. Because her eyes show her soul and her soul is one of peace and love for all people. It just amazes me at times.

Now some people have dark and cold eyes. My cousin Tim is one of those people. We are the same age and he has had a life of drugs and drinking of which he has never come out of. He is such a good guy but he is not a happy or contented one. Even when he smiles his smile seems to be one that he has to work to have. It doesn't come easy for him. It is a shame because he is a very attractive guy and he does have a good heart he just has cold empty eyes. He has a very troubled soul. 

The eyes tell the story of many many people. Our President for instance has caring eyes. Most politicians have dubious eyes meaning an indecisive or questionable look in their eyes. It might just be that they have a learned ability to make that happen because of their jobs. So much of the time people hide things in their soul and it comes out in their eyes. Which brings me to the point of this blog.

There have been many tragic shootings over the  last few years and of course gun control always seems to come up when these horrible things happen. For me I have always been one for stronger gun laws it just comes out more when these tragedies happen. If you notice on most all of these perpetrators of this violence with guns their eyes tell their stories. It is as though they have no soul. When you look at pictures of them their eyes look cold and distant. Most always they look deranged and scary. They seem to have lost a zest for life somewhere down this road to nowhere or perhaps they always had no zest for life they were just existing and not living. Now this is of course beside the mental health issues they're having. My focus is simply on the eyes or the looking glass to their souls.

I tend to gravitate to friends that have a sparkle in their eyes or a sense of life to their eyes.  My  circle of friends all have eyes that you can see into their souls and even when they're going through turmoil or bad situations they still have clear eyes and loving eyes. My critters all have happy eyes even when they're not. Lucky Lu {rest her little soul} had the most soulful eyes of any critter I have ever had even the Budster. I could just stare into her eyes for hours at a time. I so miss her eyes and her. She is in my heart always. It is true dogs and cats have eyes that tell their story. When you are blessed to have a critter to love look into their eyes and see them. You want be disappointed.

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

CHRISTMAS FOR US

Let me begin this blog by saying Merry Christmas to all. This is going to be a blog about mine and my wife Kathy's Christmas together this year. This Christmas has been a tough one for Kathy and for me. Kathy's mom Nancy or as I call her Mutti is not with us this Christmas. No she has not died but her Alzheimer's has caused her to be more distant in mind and body. When we go to visit her she doesn't recognize either one of us and she doesn't even call us by name anymore. 

My Mom and I have been estranged for 3 years now. It is tough for me because I am not really sure why and I feel as though I need some type of closure. Christmas has always been my Mom's favorite holiday and it just isn't the same for me without her in it to celebrate it with her. 

These past Christmases with Kathy have been great! Her family has some really cool traditions that they have carried on since they were kids. One of them is reading A Christmas Carol. The book is broken down into Staves. The first Stave begins the Sunday after Thanksgiving and continues until every Sunday until Christmas Eve. They set up a big Christmas wreath on a table that has four candles in the middle with a candle in the center of the candles. They light one candle for each stave. The middle one is lit on Christmas Eve which has been at our house. We get together here for Chili and Tapioca Pudding and then we stuff the stockings after reading the last stave in which Scrooge becomes transformed into a better human being.

Christmas morning we meet at Barbs where we open our gifts and eat ham and other trimmings. Then we sit and talk and visit sometimes play board games. It really is a nice and quiet Christmas time with the family.

I would like to take the opportunity to wish each and everyone of you a very Merry Christmas and a great New Year!

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville

THE CRAZY BLAME GAME

I have something on my mind and I am going to share it with you right now. It seems that every time something happens that is tragic or horrible sometimes both the big named fanatical right wing nuts to name a few Mike Huckabee, Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck and Bill O'Reilly at Fox/Faux news and many others come out of the woodwork blaming either the LGBT community or the Atheists. I for one get so tired of the LGBT community being blamed for tragedies caused by others. It seems it is easier for the right wing nuts and the extreme conservative right to point fingers at others instead of the perpetrators that actually did the crime. It truly has nothing to do with the their opinion of the morality of this country it has to do with all the fear mongering and hate that goes on either through fox/faux news or the teapubs in congress.

My wife Kathy and I were watching Melissa Harris-Perry this past week-end and her guest host Joy Reid, whom I truly love to hear her commentary on things, had a segment about Atheism and the guy she had on there was friend-of-the-blog Chris Stedman  he talked about the importance of including atheists in "interfaith" efforts. He also spoke of the importance to STOP blaming tragedies on the separation of church/state. 

Chis truly did a great job of talking and explaining that Atheist's are NOT heartless people. They deal with tragedies such as the one that happened at Sandy Hook Elementary the same way as most people do in that they talk about it with others and grieve the losses. Just as Christians grieve with others because it is not possible for them to call Jesus on the phone and say are you available for tea later I need to talk with you about what happened. Some folks pray and that is their way of grieving and dealing with tragedies whereas the Atheist talk to one another that is their way of grieving and dealing with tragedies. The point is we all have our ways of grieving and dealing with tragedies.  To blame the LGBT community or the Atheists is simply ludicrous and ridiculous to do and it simply is NOT true. It is a way for the right wing nuts to stir up emotions and begin the cycle of their reality of the decline of our morals in this country as being the reason for these tragedies. This is how they keep this crap alive and the fear mongering and homophobia continuing in this never ending cycle.

It is time for this nation to come together and STOP tearing each other down. We should embrace one another's diversity instead of trying to be superior in our beliefs. Religion should not be forced on others just as non religious people should not try to force their beliefs on religious people. There is enough room for everyone to be able to live in peace and harmony together as one nation and one people. Our diversity should make us strong not tear us down. All this turmoil amongst ourselves is causing a divide in this country. Also it is causing our credibility to decline as a nation and in the eyes of other nations. This needs to stop now.  Live and Let Live.

Once again I realize that there is freedom of speech but with that freedom of speech comes responsibility. These folks on the far conservative right need to realize this before it is to late for this country to regain dignity again.

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

Here is the link to the segment of the Melissa Harris-Perry show if interested in viewing Chris begins speaking around the 6:30 mark in the first video and 2:11 in the second video: 

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2012/12/23/on-msnbcs-melissa-harris-perry-an-atheist-talks-about-the-non-religious-response-to-the-newtown-massacre/

THE CYCLE OF OUR LIFE

It seems that each and everytime we visit Mutti at her new digs the Arbor, my mind wonders to the cycle of life for each and every one of us. I look around and see all these individuals who were once young and vibrant then I think is this going to be me in 30 years. It causes me to pause and think about my life and how I am living it. It also brings to mind just how the cycle of life works. The beginning of life as a baby then you live your life through childhood then the teen years then the youth years then the middle aged years then the aging years of life then comes the declining years.

I find myself watching Mutti and seeing her struggle as she stands using her walker just as a child of around 7 months or so lifts themselves up on a piece of furniture as they begin to walk. Now she can't even stand up without assistance and only to move from her walker with wheels and a seat to the kitchen chair at the table. Also when Mutti eats she tends to leave food around her mouth just as a child does when they eat. It's peculiar to me that I have never given this much thought until Mutti started declining and living at the Arbor with the other Alzheimer's folks in the unit. Then I wonder is this what I have to look forward to or will it be different for me. Perhaps it is just those folks that have Alzheimer's disease that live their life as if they were a child again. I don't know how that works with getting older with or without Alzheimer's  I have nothing to compare it to. 

My Grandmother, God rest her soul, lived in a retirement home before she broke her hip and was transferred to a horrible despicable rest home until the family could get her into a nice nursing home. She declined quickly when the family put her into the retirement home then once she broke her hip she was pretty much a goner. I never really knew if she had Alzheimer's or not it was never really clear to any of us. She could have just had dementia as in mental decay from being old. All I know is that she was never really active especially after my Granddad died. She pretty much just stayed in her house all day and smoked her cigs and watched TV. Grandma had a rough life. She lived with an alcoholic and had 9 children that she pretty much had to raise by herself. Granddad had his own company but he only worked when it suited him. Don't get me wrong I loved my Granddad and my Grandma very much but they both could have used therapy and AA along with Al Anon. Grandma was never a people person she like being by herself and not being bothered with anyone not even her family at times. 

Now Mutti on the other hand was always an active woman. She traveled extensively and taught school. So her mind was always active. In fact, she would always come to our house and spend the night so she could go with Kathy to her school to help out with the kids the next morning. She loved doing that. Mutti was always on the go. It was her idea to move to Raleigh from Louisburg and start living at the Heritage because she was always a people person. She loved getting to know people and hanging out with her family. It hurts my heart to see her now but I continue to go to see her because I Love her and I remember her just as she was a vibrant woman who had a love and a zest for life. She still smiles and giggles ever so often and we never know why she does that. We think maybe it is because she is in her own world now and remembers something funny from her past life. We are okay with that. She seems happy and content and that is all that matters to us.

Perhaps the cycle of life is different for each and every individual I don't know. I guess the old saying TWT {Time Will Tell} is appropriate here. 

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

FOX/FAUX NEWS AND CHRISTMAS

This has been rolling around in my head for quite some time now and the time is now to get it out.  As most of you know Bill O'Reilly is one of the talking heads on Fox/Faux News. Well it seems that he is claiming that there is a War On Christmas. Now I don't give much credence to ole Bill because I think that he is a Fox/Faux news idiot just as I do all of the "news" crew of that program are. Of course, this is just my opinion and we all have one. I do have family member that will disagree with me on this and that is okay because I totally disagree with them on alot of stuff. As most of us realize Fox/Faux news is the right arm of the Republican Party so of course I disagree with most of what I read or hear about what's on their program. But this crap that Bill O'Reilly is touting has got to be the most ridiculous thing ever. 

How can there be a War On Christmas when I hear people say Merry Christmas all the time. Now when I was a kid I would also hear people say Happy Holidays or Season's Greetings. Now it is as though if you say these things today then you are having a War On Christmas atleast according to Bill O'Reilly. The latest word from Billy Boy is that the gays are having a War On Christmas now I for one am so glad that Bill said something because here I would have been unaware of my tribe doing such a thing. In fact in actuality I feel that the gays, me being one, have an excellent Christmas spirit going on. You know there are gay people that are Christians and do go to religious churches and praise the Lord of course I am not one of them but I do have friends that are and it is beautiful thing to behold in them. I attend a church that is more into social justice and that is where my heart is but I still believe in Christmas and I know what the meaning of Christmas is from my childhood. So there Bill O'Reilly take that.

I read a poster today on my facebook that said "Bigotry wrapped up in prayer is still Bigotry" and to that I say "TRUE THAT".  I wonder if they did a postmortem on Bill O'Reilly's brain if it would be like a battery operated system that just keeps on ticking or a wind up toy that when it runs out it just stops. Some of the things that I hear come out of his mouth just stop me in my tracks and I just have to shake my head in disbelief. 

As it says in the Christmas Carol "You keep Christmas in your way and I will keep Christmas in mine." Of course that is old Scrooge saying that to his nephew before he reforms but the sentiment is there. People should be open minded and not judgmental. This is a new generation and a new time in this country and in this world. This is no time to be an old fart or a curmudgeon Bill O'Reilly or anyone else for that matter. In AA we have a motto that says Live and Let Live. Some folks may not want to celebrate Christmas just as old Scrooge but he came around in time. 

Here at the Bundy~Kidd house we are blessed with so many things a new puppy being one of them so we will celebrate Christmas as we have for many years with our family and our friends. Our house has become our home with so much love and so much kindness for one another. We are truly blessed. 

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

ANGER AND TEMPERS CAUSE FEAR

The theme I seem to be getting this past week has to do with my anger and temper in the past. Something happened at work yesterday that was an eye opening experience and it caused true fear for two other teammates and myself. Here is what happened, now when the day is done we always set the room up for the next work day. There were 4 teammates involved in this. Three of us are women and one of us a man. Well it seems that the man was given the wrong information about what was happening the next work day, truly not intentional but these things happen. He set up a shoulder bed thinking that that is what was scheduled. Well the schedule was revised as sometimes it is and it ended up being just a knee scope. Being that I was the bearer of this news he was not happy about the change to say the least. He looked me square in the eye with a certain RAGE that I haven't seen before from him and said to me with the other two women in the room, this is a quote so PLEASE excuse the wording: "You mean to tell me that I put this mother fucking shoulder bed on here for no fucking reason." Then he proceeded to throw something on the bed not sure what it was but I got out of the way. Then he yanked the shoulder bed off and put it on the holder. I kept saying to him take it easy at that he responded "Don't tell me to take it fuckin easy that just makes it worse." So I backed off. 

One of the women she was in charge that afternoon she left the room with her phone and called for help because none of us  knew what to expect. This is where the fear came in. You hear about workplace violence but until you get a taste of it you don't know just how much fear is there. Now he didn't physically hurt any of us but emotionally it took a bit of a toll on us. Granted it wasn't as bad as some scenarios are but still it made the three of us step back and think about it. It only takes a moment to really hurt someone in a blind rage. I have been there many times in a blind rage. I have never physically hurt anyone but boy I sure have been known to lash out and emotional hurt people and not even realize it.

Yesterday once the incident was over one of the women teammates also someone that I consider to be a good friend of mine she looked at me and said you use to be just like that. Whoa...I had to step back on that one and say to her really..because I truly don't remember all my rages and outbursts...because it was so fast and furious and when they were over I was calm like nothing happened. It made me feel ashamed and saddened that I could honestly be the way he was that day and not realize how much fear I must have put on people that I care about.

When I got home I told my wife Kathy about it and what my friend said. She agreed. Now my wife has said to me many times in the past that I scared her with my fast temper and anger but I truly didn't realize how horrible it must have been for her until I experienced it with my male teammate yesterday. Many friends and family members have said to me over the years that I have a trigger temper especially before I got into Alcoholics Anonymous some 22 years ago. Even after coming into AA my trigger temper still remained at times. 

I was raised in a volatile home for many many years. I had a step father that was quick to react in a violent way. His temper was really scary at times. He also came into AA and at times he was fine but then at times he was not. The one that spoke the loudest in our home was heard the most. I guess you have learned behavior in this life. I am not blaming him or anyone else for my behavior that is for sure. We control our actions no one else does. I have had to unlearn such judgmental and intolerable behavior that I was raised with.

I was looking back through my facebook messages with my brother Todd and saw where we had some really horrible exchanges. Mostly my part where he would point them out to me and ask me to not put those words on his status updates. At the time it made me more angry at him to read those but looking back on them now I thought wow...how in the world did he put  up with me all this time..I guess he really does care about me and love me or perhaps he knows deep down I am a good person and I have good qualities. All I can say is thanks LiL Brother for putting up with me and not unfriending me. :)

My wife Kathy is such a good, kind and gentle woman. I am grateful everyday for her acceptance of me just the way I am and for sticking it out with me. There are so many people that I am grateful for in my life my wife Kathy being first and foremost. Also my daughter in law Aury who saw something in me that was good, kind, loving and loyal. Oh man that sounds like a dog...hehehehe...My wives family and my family and friends that have supported me and know the real me. My former sponsor Ann who worked with me over and over on my reaction to things and she still does. That is what I love about her is that she is not afraid to say what she thinks about me or to me. I love friends like that and I have good friends like that. It really is something special.

I have had much help over the years from my therapist Andrea who has talked with me about my temper and anger and who has helped me to see the reason and path to take to overcome this rage inside of me. To work through this aggression I am thankful each and everyday to have her in my life also. I thank my doctor D who put me on meds that help level me out and feel at ease with situations. Better living through chemistry. I know exactly what that means today and I agree whole heartily.  In fact, I would love to share some of my meds with my male teammate from yesterday. 

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.