ANGER AND TEMPERS CAUSE FEAR

The theme I seem to be getting this past week has to do with my anger and temper in the past. Something happened at work yesterday that was an eye opening experience and it caused true fear for two other teammates and myself. Here is what happened, now when the day is done we always set the room up for the next work day. There were 4 teammates involved in this. Three of us are women and one of us a man. Well it seems that the man was given the wrong information about what was happening the next work day, truly not intentional but these things happen. He set up a shoulder bed thinking that that is what was scheduled. Well the schedule was revised as sometimes it is and it ended up being just a knee scope. Being that I was the bearer of this news he was not happy about the change to say the least. He looked me square in the eye with a certain RAGE that I haven't seen before from him and said to me with the other two women in the room, this is a quote so PLEASE excuse the wording: "You mean to tell me that I put this mother fucking shoulder bed on here for no fucking reason." Then he proceeded to throw something on the bed not sure what it was but I got out of the way. Then he yanked the shoulder bed off and put it on the holder. I kept saying to him take it easy at that he responded "Don't tell me to take it fuckin easy that just makes it worse." So I backed off. 

One of the women she was in charge that afternoon she left the room with her phone and called for help because none of us  knew what to expect. This is where the fear came in. You hear about workplace violence but until you get a taste of it you don't know just how much fear is there. Now he didn't physically hurt any of us but emotionally it took a bit of a toll on us. Granted it wasn't as bad as some scenarios are but still it made the three of us step back and think about it. It only takes a moment to really hurt someone in a blind rage. I have been there many times in a blind rage. I have never physically hurt anyone but boy I sure have been known to lash out and emotional hurt people and not even realize it.

Yesterday once the incident was over one of the women teammates also someone that I consider to be a good friend of mine she looked at me and said you use to be just like that. Whoa...I had to step back on that one and say to her really..because I truly don't remember all my rages and outbursts...because it was so fast and furious and when they were over I was calm like nothing happened. It made me feel ashamed and saddened that I could honestly be the way he was that day and not realize how much fear I must have put on people that I care about.

When I got home I told my wife Kathy about it and what my friend said. She agreed. Now my wife has said to me many times in the past that I scared her with my fast temper and anger but I truly didn't realize how horrible it must have been for her until I experienced it with my male teammate yesterday. Many friends and family members have said to me over the years that I have a trigger temper especially before I got into Alcoholics Anonymous some 22 years ago. Even after coming into AA my trigger temper still remained at times. 

I was raised in a volatile home for many many years. I had a step father that was quick to react in a violent way. His temper was really scary at times. He also came into AA and at times he was fine but then at times he was not. The one that spoke the loudest in our home was heard the most. I guess you have learned behavior in this life. I am not blaming him or anyone else for my behavior that is for sure. We control our actions no one else does. I have had to unlearn such judgmental and intolerable behavior that I was raised with.

I was looking back through my facebook messages with my brother Todd and saw where we had some really horrible exchanges. Mostly my part where he would point them out to me and ask me to not put those words on his status updates. At the time it made me more angry at him to read those but looking back on them now I thought wow...how in the world did he put  up with me all this time..I guess he really does care about me and love me or perhaps he knows deep down I am a good person and I have good qualities. All I can say is thanks LiL Brother for putting up with me and not unfriending me. :)

My wife Kathy is such a good, kind and gentle woman. I am grateful everyday for her acceptance of me just the way I am and for sticking it out with me. There are so many people that I am grateful for in my life my wife Kathy being first and foremost. Also my daughter in law Aury who saw something in me that was good, kind, loving and loyal. Oh man that sounds like a dog...hehehehe...My wives family and my family and friends that have supported me and know the real me. My former sponsor Ann who worked with me over and over on my reaction to things and she still does. That is what I love about her is that she is not afraid to say what she thinks about me or to me. I love friends like that and I have good friends like that. It really is something special.

I have had much help over the years from my therapist Andrea who has talked with me about my temper and anger and who has helped me to see the reason and path to take to overcome this rage inside of me. To work through this aggression I am thankful each and everyday to have her in my life also. I thank my doctor D who put me on meds that help level me out and feel at ease with situations. Better living through chemistry. I know exactly what that means today and I agree whole heartily.  In fact, I would love to share some of my meds with my male teammate from yesterday. 

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.