The song "What's It All About Alfie" has been playing in my head for the last few days. Especially the following lyrics that say "Is it just for the moment we live" "Are we meant to take more than we give or are we meant to be kind." "I believe in love Alfie. Without true love you just exist. Until you find the love you've missed, you are nothing Alfie. When you walk let your heart lead the way and you'll find love any day Alfie."
With the way my life is going at this point in time it is no wonder that this song comes to my mind. As most of you know my wife Kathy's mother Nancy aka Mutti is living with us now. She has Alzheimer's so it is always a new experience each day. We all pretty much live in the moment because that is what Alzheimer's disease does to a family.
The point is that Kathy and I stay firmly planted in our love. It would be hard to imagine each of us going through this without the other to lean on and be supportive. This is what makes or breaks a marriage and this is what love and marriage are ALL about.
Also we have friends that are going through rough times trying to find someone to share their lives with. It ain't easy to find that special someone but once you do that is when the work has just begun. It doesn't just magically happen. People have said to us "you have such a great relationship." Well yes we do but it has taken alot of work, communication, commitment and therapy to get where we are today. Even now we have our moments of "what the hell" but then we call our therapist or we take a moment and a deep breath then we have a swing talk. Yes we have our "safe space" which we have chosen the front porch swing hence swing talk. Whether it is HOT, COLD, DRY, RAINY OR SNOWY the swing is where we go to talk about the hard stuff. It really works for the two of us as long as we both are willing to be honest with eachother and not avoid talking.
As the song says when you walk let your heart lead the way and you will find love any day. But remember once you find the love you are seeking it doesn't stop there.
These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
What about ThanksGiving?!
What happened to the ThanksGiving Holiday of my youth and the ThanksGiving Holiday in general? It just seems that more and more, Christmas with all its attention on buy this or buy that is taking over and we are just leaving the ThanksGiving Holiday behind. It is becoming a vendors world instead of what the Holidays are suppose to be about. Holidays are about family and friends. The loved ones in your life getting together and spending time with one another.
ThanksGiving is and always will be my favorite Holiday. When I was younger ThanksGiving was a time for family and friends getting together and sharing a meal. My mom and I would spend the morning cooking veggie dishes along with a ham. Mom and I would share stories and talk. It was a time of bonding and having fun just being together.
Once everything was prepared and dinner time came we would take what we prepared to my Aunt Shirley and Uncle Chucks house. That is where the family would get together to share the meal. Also we would share what we were thankful for. We would always do it buffet style and Uncle Chuck would always be the last one to go through the line because his plate was ALWAYS piled the highest. It was GREAT to see everyone and share family stories from long ago and the present time.
The venue for the ThanksGiving feast changed when my folks build their new house. Also when my cousin David got married. It seems as families got bigger and merged ThanksGiving got smaller as far as where it was held and who came. There were times when it was just the three of us {me and my folks}. I began missing the BIG family gatherings. A couple times we went to Virginia to join the family up there. Still it just wasn't the same as my youth. I miss those times.
We felt a huge loss when my Uncle Chuck died 10 years ago from cancer. None of the Holidays have been the same since. The lives of the family changed. I moved away and the sharing of Holidays began. Now with the estrangement of my mother and myself my Holidays are spent with my wife Kathy's family. Which is fantastic! I still miss the Holidays with my Mom and the BIG family Holidays of my youth. But things change as we get older and new memories are started.
ThanksGiving should NOT be overlooked. It is a time for family and friends. That is how I spend my ThanksGiving and I am so grateful for the family that I have now because there are people out there that have NO family or friends to spend this time with.
Don't let the Christmas time vendors suck you in and don't forget ThanksGiving comes first.
These are my thoughts, feelings and concerns from Jillsville.
ThanksGiving is and always will be my favorite Holiday. When I was younger ThanksGiving was a time for family and friends getting together and sharing a meal. My mom and I would spend the morning cooking veggie dishes along with a ham. Mom and I would share stories and talk. It was a time of bonding and having fun just being together.
Once everything was prepared and dinner time came we would take what we prepared to my Aunt Shirley and Uncle Chucks house. That is where the family would get together to share the meal. Also we would share what we were thankful for. We would always do it buffet style and Uncle Chuck would always be the last one to go through the line because his plate was ALWAYS piled the highest. It was GREAT to see everyone and share family stories from long ago and the present time.
The venue for the ThanksGiving feast changed when my folks build their new house. Also when my cousin David got married. It seems as families got bigger and merged ThanksGiving got smaller as far as where it was held and who came. There were times when it was just the three of us {me and my folks}. I began missing the BIG family gatherings. A couple times we went to Virginia to join the family up there. Still it just wasn't the same as my youth. I miss those times.
We felt a huge loss when my Uncle Chuck died 10 years ago from cancer. None of the Holidays have been the same since. The lives of the family changed. I moved away and the sharing of Holidays began. Now with the estrangement of my mother and myself my Holidays are spent with my wife Kathy's family. Which is fantastic! I still miss the Holidays with my Mom and the BIG family Holidays of my youth. But things change as we get older and new memories are started.
ThanksGiving should NOT be overlooked. It is a time for family and friends. That is how I spend my ThanksGiving and I am so grateful for the family that I have now because there are people out there that have NO family or friends to spend this time with.
Don't let the Christmas time vendors suck you in and don't forget ThanksGiving comes first.
These are my thoughts, feelings and concerns from Jillsville.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
CHANGES
There are so many changes happening in our home and in our lives at this point in time. These changes stem from two main situations one of which is Mutti moving in with us and the other one is the death of Lucky Lu.
Mutti moving in is something that simply had to happen. There were NO if, ands or buts about it. The idea of putting her in a "lock down" facility just was not a viable option for us. The changes have been gradual and more revealed every day. The first of which is the fact that Kathy and I find it hard to have time alone together in our own home. This morning was nice because Mutti slept in which gave us a chance to spend some alone time in bed together until she woke up. This time allowed us a chance to "catch up" and talk about our feelings and what's going on in our lives as separate individuals. Because once Mutti wakes up the whole house must wake up. Because if we don't she would be on her own to wonder around and get lost and not know what to do.
She still is not sure where she is, meaning that this is her home now also. Today she spent a good deal of time out under the gazebo just sitting. Then she came in and made the comment to me that she didn't want to be in the way and where should she go now. I wasn't sure how to respond to that so I simply said to her that she is NOT in our way and that I didn't want her to say that again. I told her this was her home now as well as ours.
We are no longer able to just take off and go as we once were without first planning ahead and checking with the family to see if someone could stay with Mutti. Whether it be shopping, going to the theater, date night or just hanging with friends. I did say to Kathy the other night that I do want a date night with her. We are planning to go to the Oakwood Candlelight Tour the first of December. It was between that or the theater. Perhaps we can do both. We do have the help of the family which is very fortunate for us. We can plan ahead and someone will step in and look after Mutti for a few hours. Thank goodness otherwise we would be in bad shape. Also Jack helps out alot. We are very fortunate.
Kathy found a facility called SarahCare that specializes in Alzheimer care for the elderly and Mutti seems to like it. She has been there once for a free visit. The plan is to take Mutti there on one of my day offs so that Kathy and I can spend some time together during the day just the two of us. We plan on doing this a couple a days a week. That way Kathy can have a break also during the week for some alone time. That is very important.
This is ALL a work in progress for both of us. It is what it is and that is fine. Our motto "It's All Good" is so true. We are working it out and learning as we go. It seems to be bringing Kathy and I closer together.
The other change to affect our family and home was Lucky Lu dying it was so hard for me/us and it still is. There is a huge void in our family. She was the critter matriarch. Buddy seems to be moving in to that position with certain things that he is doing now- that he didn't do before. There are still times at night when we go to bed that I listen for the click click click of Lucky Lu's paw nails on the wood floor when she would come to bed after we did. Even now I wake up in the morning and am careful not to step on her because she would lay on the floor on my side of the bed. Sometimes I wake up to go to the bathroom during the night and step over the place where she use to lay down in the middle of the floor. This to shall pass I know but right now it is so hard because she was a huge part of my life and she always will be no matter what.
These changes that are happening will continue to happen. Everyday will be a different day and some of these situations will get easier or more manageable as we move on in our lives together the three of us along with the two remaining critters. It's All Good in the Bundy~Bundy~Kidd household.
These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.
Mutti moving in is something that simply had to happen. There were NO if, ands or buts about it. The idea of putting her in a "lock down" facility just was not a viable option for us. The changes have been gradual and more revealed every day. The first of which is the fact that Kathy and I find it hard to have time alone together in our own home. This morning was nice because Mutti slept in which gave us a chance to spend some alone time in bed together until she woke up. This time allowed us a chance to "catch up" and talk about our feelings and what's going on in our lives as separate individuals. Because once Mutti wakes up the whole house must wake up. Because if we don't she would be on her own to wonder around and get lost and not know what to do.
She still is not sure where she is, meaning that this is her home now also. Today she spent a good deal of time out under the gazebo just sitting. Then she came in and made the comment to me that she didn't want to be in the way and where should she go now. I wasn't sure how to respond to that so I simply said to her that she is NOT in our way and that I didn't want her to say that again. I told her this was her home now as well as ours.
We are no longer able to just take off and go as we once were without first planning ahead and checking with the family to see if someone could stay with Mutti. Whether it be shopping, going to the theater, date night or just hanging with friends. I did say to Kathy the other night that I do want a date night with her. We are planning to go to the Oakwood Candlelight Tour the first of December. It was between that or the theater. Perhaps we can do both. We do have the help of the family which is very fortunate for us. We can plan ahead and someone will step in and look after Mutti for a few hours. Thank goodness otherwise we would be in bad shape. Also Jack helps out alot. We are very fortunate.
Kathy found a facility called SarahCare that specializes in Alzheimer care for the elderly and Mutti seems to like it. She has been there once for a free visit. The plan is to take Mutti there on one of my day offs so that Kathy and I can spend some time together during the day just the two of us. We plan on doing this a couple a days a week. That way Kathy can have a break also during the week for some alone time. That is very important.
This is ALL a work in progress for both of us. It is what it is and that is fine. Our motto "It's All Good" is so true. We are working it out and learning as we go. It seems to be bringing Kathy and I closer together.
The other change to affect our family and home was Lucky Lu dying it was so hard for me/us and it still is. There is a huge void in our family. She was the critter matriarch. Buddy seems to be moving in to that position with certain things that he is doing now- that he didn't do before. There are still times at night when we go to bed that I listen for the click click click of Lucky Lu's paw nails on the wood floor when she would come to bed after we did. Even now I wake up in the morning and am careful not to step on her because she would lay on the floor on my side of the bed. Sometimes I wake up to go to the bathroom during the night and step over the place where she use to lay down in the middle of the floor. This to shall pass I know but right now it is so hard because she was a huge part of my life and she always will be no matter what.
These changes that are happening will continue to happen. Everyday will be a different day and some of these situations will get easier or more manageable as we move on in our lives together the three of us along with the two remaining critters. It's All Good in the Bundy~Bundy~Kidd household.
These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
THE LOSS OF MANY THINGS
This morning I awoke to find that I am mourning the loss of so many things. The first of many is my four legged baby girl Lucky Lu. She was such a huge part of my heart. After almost 14 years her body just gave out. So we had her put to sleep last week. Not an easy decision to make but for me it was the only one. I miss her so much. Every time I go outside I feel her presence there under the gardenia bush or out by the cat run where she loved to lay down or inside by the kitchen table where when we ate dinner she would just lay there waiting for me to give her a bit of food or behind the chair in the family room where she would lay and watch for the cats to come to the baby gate then she would lunge at them. She was such a huge presence in my heart and in our home both inside and outside.
The second loss I am mourning is the love and caring of my mother especially now with the loss of Lucky Lu. It has been a little over 2 years since we have actually spoken to one another on the phone or in person. I called and texted to let her know of the decision and the death of Lucky Lu and I had hoped she would have responded differently than she did. Sure she gave me her condolences and she was hurting also but there was no closeness. It was as though we were strangers not mother and daughter mourning the loss of a special soul that we both shared. I was hoping for a different response but of course that was an expectation that I should never have had. Nevertheless I did have it and it hurt very much. The loss of my mother's love is one that I will continue to feel even beyond the time that one of us dies.
The third loss I am mourning is the love and relationship of my siblings. I have 3 siblings. All are married as I am and have families of their own as do I. There has never been a closeness between us and I am not sure how to make that happen or if that is possible. I have tried but to no avail. I realize that it doesn't happen overnight and none of us were raised together as a family unit so it is a bit more difficult. We each have our own ideas of family and what it means to us. Also we are miles and miles apart from one another which is an added difficulty. What I would like to see happen is for all of us to get together with or without our families and meet for a weekend just to talk and to get to know one another.
The fourth loss I am mourning is my Mutti aka Nancy Kathy's mom. She has that horrible Alzheimer's disease which makes it so difficult to impossible to have a meaningful relationship with her at this point in time. It is as if I have lost 2 moms in one lifetime. She told me once that she would be my mom while I was going through the rough patch with my mom. That was about 3 or 4 years ago and she held up her end until this Alzheimer's disease kicked in full force. Now she is unable to fulfill that promise and I am so saddened and disheartened by that. Not only for my selfish reasons but for her also. Both of us are missing out on this relationship.
The fifth loss I am mourning is my youth. I was just beginning the installation of an electric fence to keep Buddy from climbing our wood fence and possibly being hurt or taken from us. As I was beginning this task I realized that I am simply too tired to do this job. Having had a full week of working and being on my feet for 8 hours a day well I am just simply exhausted. Once upon a time that would not have detoured me from the task at hand but now, today, it does. I must come to the realization that I am just not as young and vibrant as I once was and that is OKAY. So we are hiring someone to do it for us and that is that.
Life has its ups and downs. Losses and gains. It is all a part of the "Big" picture I guess. My thoughts are just so deep and disconcerting right now. As I have heard it said many times "This to shall pass." All and All I am very blessed and I am so very grateful for all that I do have still there are these real mourning and losses going on in my heart and mind. However, as is our new family motto It's All Good and it truly IS!
These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.
The second loss I am mourning is the love and caring of my mother especially now with the loss of Lucky Lu. It has been a little over 2 years since we have actually spoken to one another on the phone or in person. I called and texted to let her know of the decision and the death of Lucky Lu and I had hoped she would have responded differently than she did. Sure she gave me her condolences and she was hurting also but there was no closeness. It was as though we were strangers not mother and daughter mourning the loss of a special soul that we both shared. I was hoping for a different response but of course that was an expectation that I should never have had. Nevertheless I did have it and it hurt very much. The loss of my mother's love is one that I will continue to feel even beyond the time that one of us dies.
The third loss I am mourning is the love and relationship of my siblings. I have 3 siblings. All are married as I am and have families of their own as do I. There has never been a closeness between us and I am not sure how to make that happen or if that is possible. I have tried but to no avail. I realize that it doesn't happen overnight and none of us were raised together as a family unit so it is a bit more difficult. We each have our own ideas of family and what it means to us. Also we are miles and miles apart from one another which is an added difficulty. What I would like to see happen is for all of us to get together with or without our families and meet for a weekend just to talk and to get to know one another.
The fourth loss I am mourning is my Mutti aka Nancy Kathy's mom. She has that horrible Alzheimer's disease which makes it so difficult to impossible to have a meaningful relationship with her at this point in time. It is as if I have lost 2 moms in one lifetime. She told me once that she would be my mom while I was going through the rough patch with my mom. That was about 3 or 4 years ago and she held up her end until this Alzheimer's disease kicked in full force. Now she is unable to fulfill that promise and I am so saddened and disheartened by that. Not only for my selfish reasons but for her also. Both of us are missing out on this relationship.
The fifth loss I am mourning is my youth. I was just beginning the installation of an electric fence to keep Buddy from climbing our wood fence and possibly being hurt or taken from us. As I was beginning this task I realized that I am simply too tired to do this job. Having had a full week of working and being on my feet for 8 hours a day well I am just simply exhausted. Once upon a time that would not have detoured me from the task at hand but now, today, it does. I must come to the realization that I am just not as young and vibrant as I once was and that is OKAY. So we are hiring someone to do it for us and that is that.
Life has its ups and downs. Losses and gains. It is all a part of the "Big" picture I guess. My thoughts are just so deep and disconcerting right now. As I have heard it said many times "This to shall pass." All and All I am very blessed and I am so very grateful for all that I do have still there are these real mourning and losses going on in my heart and mind. However, as is our new family motto It's All Good and it truly IS!
These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
MY LUCKY LU
As I write this blog my baby girl Lucky LU is dying. It seems that her kidney and liver functions are failing. She chose me from a liter of all male puppies at a place called The Haven a no kill animal shelter near Southern Pines. We became a part of each others lives almost 15 years ago.
The story begins with a trip to The Haven shortly after I lost Snook. She was another dog of mine that died from kidney failure a month earlier. Both Lucky LU and Snook look similar. Both Lab mixes and both female. I did plan it that way. I missed Snook so much that I wanted another dog to take her place. Little did I know that all dogs are different just like people. All have their own personalities. Lucky Lu has been my protector and my confidant all these years. I have had her longer than I had Snook. She has been such a blessing in my life and one that I am so thankful to have had all these years. We have had some good times and some hard times together.
Naming her Lucky was my idea because she was Lucky to have me...Little did I know that I was the Lucky one after all to have had her in my life. The Lu was my Mothers idea. Because Lucky was a boys name as a rule and Mom felt that Lu Lu was a good way to make it more of a female name. So we began calling Lucky...Lu Lu...instead of Lucky much of the time. She has been a really good girl and we have been a really good team all these years together.
Lucky Lu is going to be at Rainbow Bridge in a short time where all the animals who have been ill and old are restored to health and vigor.She will be happy and content, except for one small thing; she will miss us until we meet again at Rainbow Bridge.
Once she spots us, and we meet again, we will cling together with happy kisses upon our face and our hands will caress her head. We will look once more into her trusting eyes and cross Rainbow Bridge together.
These are my sad thoughts from Jillsville on this windy cold day in November.
The story begins with a trip to The Haven shortly after I lost Snook. She was another dog of mine that died from kidney failure a month earlier. Both Lucky LU and Snook look similar. Both Lab mixes and both female. I did plan it that way. I missed Snook so much that I wanted another dog to take her place. Little did I know that all dogs are different just like people. All have their own personalities. Lucky Lu has been my protector and my confidant all these years. I have had her longer than I had Snook. She has been such a blessing in my life and one that I am so thankful to have had all these years. We have had some good times and some hard times together.
Naming her Lucky was my idea because she was Lucky to have me...Little did I know that I was the Lucky one after all to have had her in my life. The Lu was my Mothers idea. Because Lucky was a boys name as a rule and Mom felt that Lu Lu was a good way to make it more of a female name. So we began calling Lucky...Lu Lu...instead of Lucky much of the time. She has been a really good girl and we have been a really good team all these years together.
Lucky Lu is going to be at Rainbow Bridge in a short time where all the animals who have been ill and old are restored to health and vigor.She will be happy and content, except for one small thing; she will miss us until we meet again at Rainbow Bridge.
Once she spots us, and we meet again, we will cling together with happy kisses upon our face and our hands will caress her head. We will look once more into her trusting eyes and cross Rainbow Bridge together.
These are my sad thoughts from Jillsville on this windy cold day in November.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
FAMILY AND EQUALITY HAND IN HAND
The last couple of days have been centered around my family and equality for my family. There have been either questions or comments concerning my family and the diversity and pride that comes with my family.
For example yesterday my administrator Kathy had a group of us go into the conference room and put together a collage about ourselves. Then we had to stand up and share the collage with our group and say ONE word that best describes us. This is a way to get to know one another and to know a little bit about the people we are working with. This is part of a "team" building process through our company. We had to listen to our CEO Andrew talk a little about "team" work and our company. It was an interesting way to spend a couple of hours.
My collage began with a picture of Jane Lynch from which I said "I am a Lesbian." Of course, everyone in the room knows that already simply because I choose to live OUT and PROUD. I did hear a few {no kidding} comments. Then the next picture was one of 2 women to that I replied {I married my partner of 10 years Kathy a year ago} so on and so on with the rest of the collage. Now across the top of the page was the word EQUALITY that I spelled out using the foam letters that my administrator had on hand. Because the word EQUALITY is very important to me and one that I strive for. Because EVERYONE should be EQUAL in this life time. The ONE word that I used to described myself was PROUD. My friend Charlene said she would have said PASSIONATE. Either one of those words works for me.
Now today...we had benefit enrollment at my work place. As I was reading through the booklet that the company supplies I came across an interesting paragraph. One that has NEVER been in this booklet and I have had 10 years with this company. The following is word for word what is written:
*Who is Eligible
Eligibility in the SCAdvantage benefit plans has changed for 2012! SCA recognizes that with a diverse workforce comes a broad array of personal circumstances and individual needs. The definition of family for one Teammate can be different-but equally as significant-from that of another. SCA is pleased to offer eligible Teammates the opportunity to cover Domestic Partners {and Partners' eligible dependents} under certain plans that are part of SCA's various benefit programs. This extension of coverage is consistent with SCA's commitment to offer competitive benefit programs and support the Company's many diversity policies and initiatives.* Now I don't have to tell you how important this one statement is to me and others like me. Kathy said to me does it make you feel better to be working for this company now. I replied oh yea.
I find that EQUALITY is coming for me and my family and others like us.
These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.
For example yesterday my administrator Kathy had a group of us go into the conference room and put together a collage about ourselves. Then we had to stand up and share the collage with our group and say ONE word that best describes us. This is a way to get to know one another and to know a little bit about the people we are working with. This is part of a "team" building process through our company. We had to listen to our CEO Andrew talk a little about "team" work and our company. It was an interesting way to spend a couple of hours.
My collage began with a picture of Jane Lynch from which I said "I am a Lesbian." Of course, everyone in the room knows that already simply because I choose to live OUT and PROUD. I did hear a few {no kidding} comments. Then the next picture was one of 2 women to that I replied {I married my partner of 10 years Kathy a year ago} so on and so on with the rest of the collage. Now across the top of the page was the word EQUALITY that I spelled out using the foam letters that my administrator had on hand. Because the word EQUALITY is very important to me and one that I strive for. Because EVERYONE should be EQUAL in this life time. The ONE word that I used to described myself was PROUD. My friend Charlene said she would have said PASSIONATE. Either one of those words works for me.
Now today...we had benefit enrollment at my work place. As I was reading through the booklet that the company supplies I came across an interesting paragraph. One that has NEVER been in this booklet and I have had 10 years with this company. The following is word for word what is written:
*Who is Eligible
Eligibility in the SCAdvantage benefit plans has changed for 2012! SCA recognizes that with a diverse workforce comes a broad array of personal circumstances and individual needs. The definition of family for one Teammate can be different-but equally as significant-from that of another. SCA is pleased to offer eligible Teammates the opportunity to cover Domestic Partners {and Partners' eligible dependents} under certain plans that are part of SCA's various benefit programs. This extension of coverage is consistent with SCA's commitment to offer competitive benefit programs and support the Company's many diversity policies and initiatives.* Now I don't have to tell you how important this one statement is to me and others like me. Kathy said to me does it make you feel better to be working for this company now. I replied oh yea.
I find that EQUALITY is coming for me and my family and others like us.
These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.
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