This morning I awoke to find that I am mourning the loss of so many things. The first of many is my four legged baby girl Lucky Lu. She was such a huge part of my heart. After almost 14 years her body just gave out. So we had her put to sleep last week. Not an easy decision to make but for me it was the only one. I miss her so much. Every time I go outside I feel her presence there under the gardenia bush or out by the cat run where she loved to lay down or inside by the kitchen table where when we ate dinner she would just lay there waiting for me to give her a bit of food or behind the chair in the family room where she would lay and watch for the cats to come to the baby gate then she would lunge at them. She was such a huge presence in my heart and in our home both inside and outside.
The second loss I am mourning is the love and caring of my mother especially now with the loss of Lucky Lu. It has been a little over 2 years since we have actually spoken to one another on the phone or in person. I called and texted to let her know of the decision and the death of Lucky Lu and I had hoped she would have responded differently than she did. Sure she gave me her condolences and she was hurting also but there was no closeness. It was as though we were strangers not mother and daughter mourning the loss of a special soul that we both shared. I was hoping for a different response but of course that was an expectation that I should never have had. Nevertheless I did have it and it hurt very much. The loss of my mother's love is one that I will continue to feel even beyond the time that one of us dies.
The third loss I am mourning is the love and relationship of my siblings. I have 3 siblings. All are married as I am and have families of their own as do I. There has never been a closeness between us and I am not sure how to make that happen or if that is possible. I have tried but to no avail. I realize that it doesn't happen overnight and none of us were raised together as a family unit so it is a bit more difficult. We each have our own ideas of family and what it means to us. Also we are miles and miles apart from one another which is an added difficulty. What I would like to see happen is for all of us to get together with or without our families and meet for a weekend just to talk and to get to know one another.
The fourth loss I am mourning is my Mutti aka Nancy Kathy's mom. She has that horrible Alzheimer's disease which makes it so difficult to impossible to have a meaningful relationship with her at this point in time. It is as if I have lost 2 moms in one lifetime. She told me once that she would be my mom while I was going through the rough patch with my mom. That was about 3 or 4 years ago and she held up her end until this Alzheimer's disease kicked in full force. Now she is unable to fulfill that promise and I am so saddened and disheartened by that. Not only for my selfish reasons but for her also. Both of us are missing out on this relationship.
The fifth loss I am mourning is my youth. I was just beginning the installation of an electric fence to keep Buddy from climbing our wood fence and possibly being hurt or taken from us. As I was beginning this task I realized that I am simply too tired to do this job. Having had a full week of working and being on my feet for 8 hours a day well I am just simply exhausted. Once upon a time that would not have detoured me from the task at hand but now, today, it does. I must come to the realization that I am just not as young and vibrant as I once was and that is OKAY. So we are hiring someone to do it for us and that is that.
Life has its ups and downs. Losses and gains. It is all a part of the "Big" picture I guess. My thoughts are just so deep and disconcerting right now. As I have heard it said many times "This to shall pass." All and All I am very blessed and I am so very grateful for all that I do have still there are these real mourning and losses going on in my heart and mind. However, as is our new family motto It's All Good and it truly IS!
These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.
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