A LOOK BACK AT 2012

This morning I woke up thinking about things that happened this past year in my personal life to me and to people in my life that I love and that love me. Last month it was the year anniversary of the death of my Lucky Lu girl. She was 15 years old when we had to make that horrible yet humane decision to put her to sleep. It was a tough year to go through. She was such an important part of my life and our family. 

My biological father died just a few days before his 79th birthday in September. I didn't get the chance to really get to know him as much as I would have liked to. Through this experience I lost contact with my half sister and my bio Dad's wife but I still have some contact with my half brother. It is a sad situation all the way around. Misunderstandings and many different emotions concerning the death of this man that abandoned me and my mother before I was born. We both tried but not with all we had to have a relationship. I guess it just simply wasn't meant to be. I still feel a certain amount of loss with his death. Mostly of what wasn't that could have been.

This brings me to my mother. This year marks the 2nd year of not having any contact with her. I guess you could say that both my parents have abandoned me at some point in my life. The only difference being that my Mom loved me and was there for me my whole life up to a couple years ago just as I have been and still am today with her. But somehow and for some reason she chose to fall out of love with me her only daughter of 50 plus years instead of talking about what exactly is going on with her and what her feelings are about this situation. Communication doesn't come easy to some and I guess just not talking about stuff is one way to pretend that it isn't happening. Through working on this in therapy and talking with close friends I have come to the decision to think of my Mom as a woman not a parent. It makes it easier for me to look at it that way. Whatever it takes is my philosophy now.

This past year because of the Alzheimer's Disease becoming increasingly more consuming of her body and mind Kathy and I had the good fortune to have her Mom come and live with us. It was a year of all sorts of emotions from laughter, joy, tears, grief and melancholy. Through this experience Kathy and I bonded more and more and became a great support for one another. Our family motto now is  "It's All Good." In time it became obvious that Kathy's Mom was no longer able to live with us because of her increasing loss of balance so we put her into a new Alzheimer's facility. This facility is about 3 miles from our house so it is easy to go see her. She got to the point that she was falling more and more. Kathy would be unable to lift her by herself if she were to fall while I was not home. Her Mom has been at the new facility now a few months and she is still falling alot and now we are considering another facility with more one on one access to her. The Alzheimer's is taking more and more of Kathy's Mom from us. It is a hard thing for me to watch and to be a part of I can only imagine what it is like for Kathy and her sibs emotionally. I see it in Kathy's face and in her heart and we talk about it alot.  I just hope that I am  helping her as much as I can to soften it. As I said above our family motto is "It's All Good No Matter What."

My brother Todd and his wife Miranda lost their infant daughter while she was still in the womb. My brother and his wife have all boys. This would have been their the first daughter for both of them. It was heartbreaking for them and I am sure it still is. I hold them in the light every day. 

Kathy's sister Barb was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. She had to have a hysterectomy and she is doing well at this time. Cancer is a devastating disease to live with because you never know if it is going to land somewhere else in your body. I have lived with Breast Cancer for many years now and it still makes me wonder if it will land somewhere else in my body. It just makes you stronger and Barb is one of the strongest women that I know.

About a month ago our neighbor came over while I was cleaning out the garage and asked me if we would be interested in a puppy. My first thought was NO but I did not say it out loud.  She went on to explain how she came about getting the puppy. She rescued it from her cousin who was abusing her. Well given my soft heart when it comes to rescues I listened on..the reason why she had to find another home for the puppy was because her daughter is a toddler and both her daughter and puppy play hard and she was worried that one of them would end up getting hurt and she was nervous about that. Well I took her cell number and went inside to talk it over with Kathy. Now Kathy's first response was well let's talk about this a bit. It took us all afternoon off and on to discuss this but in the end we both agreed that we should adopt the puppy. Her name is Nana and I wanted to add Lu to her name after Lucky Lu. So we call her Nanalu. She fits into our family very nicely. With Torrie so old now and not wanting to play with the Budster at all. With Buddy being so  young he wants to play. Now with Nanalu he has a playmate and they play and play all the time. Nanalu has added life to our home. What a great addition to our family!

No matter what the New Year holds for me and my family we will go through it together and become stronger for it. 

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

IT'S ALL IN THE EYES

I have always heard some people say that you can tell alot about a person from their eyes and that the eyes are the way to see into someone's soul. I am a true believer in both those statements. The eyes are the first thing that I notice about someone when I first meet them. For instance my wife Kathy when I first met her I noticed that she had and still has a certain joy and happiness in her eyes. They sparkle alot of the time even when she is having a sad or bad day. When we first met I would say to her take off those rose colored glasses of yours sweetie...now I say I love those rose colored glassed of yours. Because her eyes show her soul and her soul is one of peace and love for all people. It just amazes me at times.

Now some people have dark and cold eyes. My cousin Tim is one of those people. We are the same age and he has had a life of drugs and drinking of which he has never come out of. He is such a good guy but he is not a happy or contented one. Even when he smiles his smile seems to be one that he has to work to have. It doesn't come easy for him. It is a shame because he is a very attractive guy and he does have a good heart he just has cold empty eyes. He has a very troubled soul. 

The eyes tell the story of many many people. Our President for instance has caring eyes. Most politicians have dubious eyes meaning an indecisive or questionable look in their eyes. It might just be that they have a learned ability to make that happen because of their jobs. So much of the time people hide things in their soul and it comes out in their eyes. Which brings me to the point of this blog.

There have been many tragic shootings over the  last few years and of course gun control always seems to come up when these horrible things happen. For me I have always been one for stronger gun laws it just comes out more when these tragedies happen. If you notice on most all of these perpetrators of this violence with guns their eyes tell their stories. It is as though they have no soul. When you look at pictures of them their eyes look cold and distant. Most always they look deranged and scary. They seem to have lost a zest for life somewhere down this road to nowhere or perhaps they always had no zest for life they were just existing and not living. Now this is of course beside the mental health issues they're having. My focus is simply on the eyes or the looking glass to their souls.

I tend to gravitate to friends that have a sparkle in their eyes or a sense of life to their eyes.  My  circle of friends all have eyes that you can see into their souls and even when they're going through turmoil or bad situations they still have clear eyes and loving eyes. My critters all have happy eyes even when they're not. Lucky Lu {rest her little soul} had the most soulful eyes of any critter I have ever had even the Budster. I could just stare into her eyes for hours at a time. I so miss her eyes and her. She is in my heart always. It is true dogs and cats have eyes that tell their story. When you are blessed to have a critter to love look into their eyes and see them. You want be disappointed.

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

CHRISTMAS FOR US

Let me begin this blog by saying Merry Christmas to all. This is going to be a blog about mine and my wife Kathy's Christmas together this year. This Christmas has been a tough one for Kathy and for me. Kathy's mom Nancy or as I call her Mutti is not with us this Christmas. No she has not died but her Alzheimer's has caused her to be more distant in mind and body. When we go to visit her she doesn't recognize either one of us and she doesn't even call us by name anymore. 

My Mom and I have been estranged for 3 years now. It is tough for me because I am not really sure why and I feel as though I need some type of closure. Christmas has always been my Mom's favorite holiday and it just isn't the same for me without her in it to celebrate it with her. 

These past Christmases with Kathy have been great! Her family has some really cool traditions that they have carried on since they were kids. One of them is reading A Christmas Carol. The book is broken down into Staves. The first Stave begins the Sunday after Thanksgiving and continues until every Sunday until Christmas Eve. They set up a big Christmas wreath on a table that has four candles in the middle with a candle in the center of the candles. They light one candle for each stave. The middle one is lit on Christmas Eve which has been at our house. We get together here for Chili and Tapioca Pudding and then we stuff the stockings after reading the last stave in which Scrooge becomes transformed into a better human being.

Christmas morning we meet at Barbs where we open our gifts and eat ham and other trimmings. Then we sit and talk and visit sometimes play board games. It really is a nice and quiet Christmas time with the family.

I would like to take the opportunity to wish each and everyone of you a very Merry Christmas and a great New Year!

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville

THE CRAZY BLAME GAME

I have something on my mind and I am going to share it with you right now. It seems that every time something happens that is tragic or horrible sometimes both the big named fanatical right wing nuts to name a few Mike Huckabee, Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck and Bill O'Reilly at Fox/Faux news and many others come out of the woodwork blaming either the LGBT community or the Atheists. I for one get so tired of the LGBT community being blamed for tragedies caused by others. It seems it is easier for the right wing nuts and the extreme conservative right to point fingers at others instead of the perpetrators that actually did the crime. It truly has nothing to do with the their opinion of the morality of this country it has to do with all the fear mongering and hate that goes on either through fox/faux news or the teapubs in congress.

My wife Kathy and I were watching Melissa Harris-Perry this past week-end and her guest host Joy Reid, whom I truly love to hear her commentary on things, had a segment about Atheism and the guy she had on there was friend-of-the-blog Chris Stedman  he talked about the importance of including atheists in "interfaith" efforts. He also spoke of the importance to STOP blaming tragedies on the separation of church/state. 

Chis truly did a great job of talking and explaining that Atheist's are NOT heartless people. They deal with tragedies such as the one that happened at Sandy Hook Elementary the same way as most people do in that they talk about it with others and grieve the losses. Just as Christians grieve with others because it is not possible for them to call Jesus on the phone and say are you available for tea later I need to talk with you about what happened. Some folks pray and that is their way of grieving and dealing with tragedies whereas the Atheist talk to one another that is their way of grieving and dealing with tragedies. The point is we all have our ways of grieving and dealing with tragedies.  To blame the LGBT community or the Atheists is simply ludicrous and ridiculous to do and it simply is NOT true. It is a way for the right wing nuts to stir up emotions and begin the cycle of their reality of the decline of our morals in this country as being the reason for these tragedies. This is how they keep this crap alive and the fear mongering and homophobia continuing in this never ending cycle.

It is time for this nation to come together and STOP tearing each other down. We should embrace one another's diversity instead of trying to be superior in our beliefs. Religion should not be forced on others just as non religious people should not try to force their beliefs on religious people. There is enough room for everyone to be able to live in peace and harmony together as one nation and one people. Our diversity should make us strong not tear us down. All this turmoil amongst ourselves is causing a divide in this country. Also it is causing our credibility to decline as a nation and in the eyes of other nations. This needs to stop now.  Live and Let Live.

Once again I realize that there is freedom of speech but with that freedom of speech comes responsibility. These folks on the far conservative right need to realize this before it is to late for this country to regain dignity again.

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

Here is the link to the segment of the Melissa Harris-Perry show if interested in viewing Chris begins speaking around the 6:30 mark in the first video and 2:11 in the second video: 

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2012/12/23/on-msnbcs-melissa-harris-perry-an-atheist-talks-about-the-non-religious-response-to-the-newtown-massacre/

THE CYCLE OF OUR LIFE

It seems that each and everytime we visit Mutti at her new digs the Arbor, my mind wonders to the cycle of life for each and every one of us. I look around and see all these individuals who were once young and vibrant then I think is this going to be me in 30 years. It causes me to pause and think about my life and how I am living it. It also brings to mind just how the cycle of life works. The beginning of life as a baby then you live your life through childhood then the teen years then the youth years then the middle aged years then the aging years of life then comes the declining years.

I find myself watching Mutti and seeing her struggle as she stands using her walker just as a child of around 7 months or so lifts themselves up on a piece of furniture as they begin to walk. Now she can't even stand up without assistance and only to move from her walker with wheels and a seat to the kitchen chair at the table. Also when Mutti eats she tends to leave food around her mouth just as a child does when they eat. It's peculiar to me that I have never given this much thought until Mutti started declining and living at the Arbor with the other Alzheimer's folks in the unit. Then I wonder is this what I have to look forward to or will it be different for me. Perhaps it is just those folks that have Alzheimer's disease that live their life as if they were a child again. I don't know how that works with getting older with or without Alzheimer's  I have nothing to compare it to. 

My Grandmother, God rest her soul, lived in a retirement home before she broke her hip and was transferred to a horrible despicable rest home until the family could get her into a nice nursing home. She declined quickly when the family put her into the retirement home then once she broke her hip she was pretty much a goner. I never really knew if she had Alzheimer's or not it was never really clear to any of us. She could have just had dementia as in mental decay from being old. All I know is that she was never really active especially after my Granddad died. She pretty much just stayed in her house all day and smoked her cigs and watched TV. Grandma had a rough life. She lived with an alcoholic and had 9 children that she pretty much had to raise by herself. Granddad had his own company but he only worked when it suited him. Don't get me wrong I loved my Granddad and my Grandma very much but they both could have used therapy and AA along with Al Anon. Grandma was never a people person she like being by herself and not being bothered with anyone not even her family at times. 

Now Mutti on the other hand was always an active woman. She traveled extensively and taught school. So her mind was always active. In fact, she would always come to our house and spend the night so she could go with Kathy to her school to help out with the kids the next morning. She loved doing that. Mutti was always on the go. It was her idea to move to Raleigh from Louisburg and start living at the Heritage because she was always a people person. She loved getting to know people and hanging out with her family. It hurts my heart to see her now but I continue to go to see her because I Love her and I remember her just as she was a vibrant woman who had a love and a zest for life. She still smiles and giggles ever so often and we never know why she does that. We think maybe it is because she is in her own world now and remembers something funny from her past life. We are okay with that. She seems happy and content and that is all that matters to us.

Perhaps the cycle of life is different for each and every individual I don't know. I guess the old saying TWT {Time Will Tell} is appropriate here. 

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

FOX/FAUX NEWS AND CHRISTMAS

This has been rolling around in my head for quite some time now and the time is now to get it out.  As most of you know Bill O'Reilly is one of the talking heads on Fox/Faux News. Well it seems that he is claiming that there is a War On Christmas. Now I don't give much credence to ole Bill because I think that he is a Fox/Faux news idiot just as I do all of the "news" crew of that program are. Of course, this is just my opinion and we all have one. I do have family member that will disagree with me on this and that is okay because I totally disagree with them on alot of stuff. As most of us realize Fox/Faux news is the right arm of the Republican Party so of course I disagree with most of what I read or hear about what's on their program. But this crap that Bill O'Reilly is touting has got to be the most ridiculous thing ever. 

How can there be a War On Christmas when I hear people say Merry Christmas all the time. Now when I was a kid I would also hear people say Happy Holidays or Season's Greetings. Now it is as though if you say these things today then you are having a War On Christmas atleast according to Bill O'Reilly. The latest word from Billy Boy is that the gays are having a War On Christmas now I for one am so glad that Bill said something because here I would have been unaware of my tribe doing such a thing. In fact in actuality I feel that the gays, me being one, have an excellent Christmas spirit going on. You know there are gay people that are Christians and do go to religious churches and praise the Lord of course I am not one of them but I do have friends that are and it is beautiful thing to behold in them. I attend a church that is more into social justice and that is where my heart is but I still believe in Christmas and I know what the meaning of Christmas is from my childhood. So there Bill O'Reilly take that.

I read a poster today on my facebook that said "Bigotry wrapped up in prayer is still Bigotry" and to that I say "TRUE THAT".  I wonder if they did a postmortem on Bill O'Reilly's brain if it would be like a battery operated system that just keeps on ticking or a wind up toy that when it runs out it just stops. Some of the things that I hear come out of his mouth just stop me in my tracks and I just have to shake my head in disbelief. 

As it says in the Christmas Carol "You keep Christmas in your way and I will keep Christmas in mine." Of course that is old Scrooge saying that to his nephew before he reforms but the sentiment is there. People should be open minded and not judgmental. This is a new generation and a new time in this country and in this world. This is no time to be an old fart or a curmudgeon Bill O'Reilly or anyone else for that matter. In AA we have a motto that says Live and Let Live. Some folks may not want to celebrate Christmas just as old Scrooge but he came around in time. 

Here at the Bundy~Kidd house we are blessed with so many things a new puppy being one of them so we will celebrate Christmas as we have for many years with our family and our friends. Our house has become our home with so much love and so much kindness for one another. We are truly blessed. 

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

ANGER AND TEMPERS CAUSE FEAR

The theme I seem to be getting this past week has to do with my anger and temper in the past. Something happened at work yesterday that was an eye opening experience and it caused true fear for two other teammates and myself. Here is what happened, now when the day is done we always set the room up for the next work day. There were 4 teammates involved in this. Three of us are women and one of us a man. Well it seems that the man was given the wrong information about what was happening the next work day, truly not intentional but these things happen. He set up a shoulder bed thinking that that is what was scheduled. Well the schedule was revised as sometimes it is and it ended up being just a knee scope. Being that I was the bearer of this news he was not happy about the change to say the least. He looked me square in the eye with a certain RAGE that I haven't seen before from him and said to me with the other two women in the room, this is a quote so PLEASE excuse the wording: "You mean to tell me that I put this mother fucking shoulder bed on here for no fucking reason." Then he proceeded to throw something on the bed not sure what it was but I got out of the way. Then he yanked the shoulder bed off and put it on the holder. I kept saying to him take it easy at that he responded "Don't tell me to take it fuckin easy that just makes it worse." So I backed off. 

One of the women she was in charge that afternoon she left the room with her phone and called for help because none of us  knew what to expect. This is where the fear came in. You hear about workplace violence but until you get a taste of it you don't know just how much fear is there. Now he didn't physically hurt any of us but emotionally it took a bit of a toll on us. Granted it wasn't as bad as some scenarios are but still it made the three of us step back and think about it. It only takes a moment to really hurt someone in a blind rage. I have been there many times in a blind rage. I have never physically hurt anyone but boy I sure have been known to lash out and emotional hurt people and not even realize it.

Yesterday once the incident was over one of the women teammates also someone that I consider to be a good friend of mine she looked at me and said you use to be just like that. Whoa...I had to step back on that one and say to her really..because I truly don't remember all my rages and outbursts...because it was so fast and furious and when they were over I was calm like nothing happened. It made me feel ashamed and saddened that I could honestly be the way he was that day and not realize how much fear I must have put on people that I care about.

When I got home I told my wife Kathy about it and what my friend said. She agreed. Now my wife has said to me many times in the past that I scared her with my fast temper and anger but I truly didn't realize how horrible it must have been for her until I experienced it with my male teammate yesterday. Many friends and family members have said to me over the years that I have a trigger temper especially before I got into Alcoholics Anonymous some 22 years ago. Even after coming into AA my trigger temper still remained at times. 

I was raised in a volatile home for many many years. I had a step father that was quick to react in a violent way. His temper was really scary at times. He also came into AA and at times he was fine but then at times he was not. The one that spoke the loudest in our home was heard the most. I guess you have learned behavior in this life. I am not blaming him or anyone else for my behavior that is for sure. We control our actions no one else does. I have had to unlearn such judgmental and intolerable behavior that I was raised with.

I was looking back through my facebook messages with my brother Todd and saw where we had some really horrible exchanges. Mostly my part where he would point them out to me and ask me to not put those words on his status updates. At the time it made me more angry at him to read those but looking back on them now I thought wow...how in the world did he put  up with me all this time..I guess he really does care about me and love me or perhaps he knows deep down I am a good person and I have good qualities. All I can say is thanks LiL Brother for putting up with me and not unfriending me. :)

My wife Kathy is such a good, kind and gentle woman. I am grateful everyday for her acceptance of me just the way I am and for sticking it out with me. There are so many people that I am grateful for in my life my wife Kathy being first and foremost. Also my daughter in law Aury who saw something in me that was good, kind, loving and loyal. Oh man that sounds like a dog...hehehehe...My wives family and my family and friends that have supported me and know the real me. My former sponsor Ann who worked with me over and over on my reaction to things and she still does. That is what I love about her is that she is not afraid to say what she thinks about me or to me. I love friends like that and I have good friends like that. It really is something special.

I have had much help over the years from my therapist Andrea who has talked with me about my temper and anger and who has helped me to see the reason and path to take to overcome this rage inside of me. To work through this aggression I am thankful each and everyday to have her in my life also. I thank my doctor D who put me on meds that help level me out and feel at ease with situations. Better living through chemistry. I know exactly what that means today and I agree whole heartily.  In fact, I would love to share some of my meds with my male teammate from yesterday. 

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

THE TIES THAT BIND

Everyone should be true to themselves and for me that is the biggest tie that binds to who I am and what I am about. My sobriety is a huge tie that binds because without that what do I truly have..nothing. My wife Kathy is the tie that binds me to being grounded in family and love. My friends are also a tie that binds me to the true meaning of love and family. So many ties that bind to so many things. But the ways to not feel binded by these ties are to feel free in being your true self.

With the Holidays coming up sometimes you can get lost in all the hub bub of the Holidays and in the family stuff that you loose your sense of self. Try not to get caught up in that trap. Stay true to yourself. Be your true self no matter what. Keep The Ties that Bind to those that matter to you and to yourself. 

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

LET'S GIVE THANKS

This weekend has been a really really sweet one for me. On Saturday my wife Kathy and I spent time with good friends old ones and new ones. We had a great time laughing, talking and eating good food. The conversations ranged from politics to family of origins and choice. The political conversation was all good and all of like minded people so it was pleasurable to engage especially after the election and having our President back in office. This afternoon was about the same. We went to lunch after our soulful and wonderful service of music and thought provokingness we met some old friends and made some new friends. Again the conversations around the table ranged from politics with like minded people to family and a whole new range of different conversations which was really nice along with some really good food.

Last night after all the different conversations were finishing up we had a group discussion about past Thanksgivings and the thoughts and feelings behind them. It was at times light hearted  with laughter and sometimes it was sad with tears shed from some with loses of family and/or friends from this year. I didn't share about the death of my Dad until after the discussion was over and we were again in individual groups. A friend shared about her Dad's death which happened a few days after the death of my Dad. It is nice to have friends to share these hard and sad times with and they understand what you are going through and they love you and hold you. I give thanks for these women in my life. Kathy and I are always saying how we are all going to grow old together and that is a great feeling for me. I truly LOVE these women. These women are my family of choice.

Thanksgiving use to be my favorite holiday as a child. We use to have a huge family gathering with alot of buffet style food. It was held at my Aunt Shirley and Uncle Chucks house. When my Uncle Chuck died we stopped having Thanksgiving at my Aunt Shirley's house. Now as an adult things have changed for me and my family. Some for the better some not so much. This will be the 4th Thanksgiving that my Mom and I have been estranged. So we will not be sharing Thanksgiving with them once again. When Kathy and I had first gotten together we would divide our time between Thanksgiving dinners here and at Moms. Luckily my Mom only lives a little over an hour away and it would only be the four of us. I realize things change but sometimes it is still hard for me to comprehend not being with my Mom for the holidays. I do have Kathy's family which is a part of my family now and we have great friends to spend the holidays with. Life is still good just different.

This year Kathy's family is splitting their time in different places which is okay. Kathy's mom Nancy/Mutti is at a home for Alzheimer's and it is hard to take her anywhere because she just has a rough time riding in a car or changing any of her normal routines. So we will go visit with her after we have our Thanksgiving. Kathy and I  and her brother Ralph if he is interested are thinking perhaps we will go to a soup kitchen and help with serving up some food to those less fortunate. It will be a way for us to give back and give thanks for all we have. I really like the idea.

My gratitude is overwhelming right now. I have my health back little by little. I have a roof over my head. I have a wife who truly loves me for me and I love her for who she is. I have friends and family that I know I can count on and who love me for me and I love them for who they are. Life is good at this moment in this space and in this time.

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

THE TIME IS NOW

The time is now for this country to come together.  President Barack Obama has been elected to another term. Get over it and move on! Sure it is easy for me to say because I support our President. I feel he truly cares about moving this country forward in Education, Technology, Clean air and energy and socially. It is time for this country to stop the bickering and work together with our President and our elected congress to move us forward. We need to embrace our diversity and become a better nation for it. This country is being watched by other countries and it is not very pretty.

 Already there have been messages from the Tailiban threatening our President and our country. We have got to Unite for the good of our nation and it's people.  That includes Bill O'Reilly and the other Fox/Faux news cronies. It also includes folks like Donald Trump, Glen Beck and yes Rush Limbaugh who keep taunting horrible racist and bigoted statements against our President. Sure there is something called freedom of speech but with that freedom comes responsibility. We also HAVE to get religion out of government. Separation of CHURCH and STATE MUST be upheld. Religion has it's place in Church. Governing has it's place in Government not Church. You get the jest. I hope.

A friend of mine on my facebook said she was tired of the political gloating. This is NOT the time for gloating. It doesn't do any good and it is a waste of time and energy. Everyone needs to come together for the good of this/our nation! 

I will close now with OUR PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE to this our country the UNITED should not be DIVIDED States of AMERICA. Since we are diverse I will do BOTH versions.

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation{indivisible/under God}, with liberty and justice for all.

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

PEOPLE DO HAVE WORTH AND DIGNITY

The message this morning at UUFR still has me thinking about the political climate and those it effects. There has been much to much mud slinging and negativity going on around here. The political TV ads and the pundits not to mention regular folk me included. I am not a Mitt Romney  or Paul Ryan person and I make no bones about it. But somewhere along the way I have lost one of our UU principles which Rev. John Saxon reminded me of this morning in his message entitled God's Politics (and ours). The one principle of which I am referring to of which there are 7 reads: The inherent worth and dignity of every person. 

Each and every person has inherent worth and dignity. Yes they do and to be honest no matter how hard it is for me to say this out loud or even think it so do Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. Even if you don't agree with them politically they're human beings and somehow that has gotten lost atleast for me. I am not practicing my UU principles at all which is not good for this woman to do. 

Words thoughts and deeds go out into the heavens on all sides of the political arena and for what it is worth I don't want to be known as the hard nosed Liberal which is what I am....but there has to be a limit and a respectful way for me to do this. I lit a candle this morning for truth and peace for the duration of this political season and beyond. I lit a candle for the hurricane Sandy victims because that is what I want to be known for is my compassion and love for human beings no matter what their politics. 

Also we Unitarian Universalists of Raleigh have a covenant we live by:

*Value what unites us over those things that divide us.
*Practice patience, listen carefully, and speak our truth with compassion.
*Hold ourselves accountable for our actions and commitments, and assume good intentions on the part of others.
*Reflect carefully about the potential results of our words and actions before we express ourselves.
*Respect and support those we have chosen to lead us..our called ministers, and our professional staff.
*When differences arise, speak directly, with kindness and respect, to those with whom we disagree, and not gossip about others.

Those of you that know me know that I have a ways to go to adhere to all these covenant statements. It is a work in progress for me. All and All I know that I am a good person and I do believe that each and every person deserves respect, worth and dignity no matter how others behave all I am responsible for is myself.

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

RING RING OH IT IS REALITY CALLING

Ring, Ring oh it's your cell phone ringing.  The voice on the other end says hello this is reality speaking. Now before I begin this blog I do want to begin by saying this is going to be a scathing blog post because I feel that this is an important election and not one to just sit and not participate and one to not just THROW your vote away. 

 I believe in my heart of hearts that this President is about uniting this country NOT dividing this country. I have always believed that President Obama has always meant what he has said and has said what he meant. Friends have said to me and I have read on FB posts that some of you are upset with the President because certain things haven't been done or certain promises have not been kept so in good conscious I am not voting for him or I have decided to vote for the Libertarian because I just don't like the way things are but I don't want to vote for Romney/Ryan either...blah blah blah. My thoughts about this are simply if you voted for the President in 2008 then you should be voting for him in 2012 not the Libertarian and certainly NOT Romney/Ryan and here are the reasons why!

I believe that some Americans are NOT looking at the BIG PICTURE when it comes to this election. They're not seeing what could happen when certain insane and lunatic ultra conservatives become rulers of this great country of ours  namely Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan along with some other ultra conservatives of the same nature that they are bringing with them . If you agree with them then you are NOT paying attention. Some of you might just be rolling your eyes at this statement and saying to yourself oh it is just Jill being Jill don't be condescending to me please just hear me out. 

Now I understand that some of you are upset with the President right now because things don't seem to be going your way. I tend to call this being closed minded and/or wanting what you want when you want it. Some things just don't work out that way it takes time. Especially when you get elected into a country that was a pure MESS when you took office. If you recall the previous administration [ yes] I am speaking of the infamous Bush and Cheney who got us into 2 wars that should never have happened and all on credit meaning not paid for along with a whole other stretch of horrible policies that made no sense and were down right wrong for this country. They created a huge wedge between the American people.

We the American people and our country were heading into  a deep recession hell by all accounts we were already there and to put the cherry on the cake it seemed that we had NO plan on how we were going to end this war and lift ourselves up out of this mess. Well the President had a plan that he spoke of many times on the campaign trail and once in office that plan was put into action  and now the war in Iraq is done. Our troops have been coming home. Cha ching one war down and one to go. Slowly plans are being made to end the war in Afghanistan in a thoughtful and deliberate way as the President says. Cha Ching another war coming to an end. He has begun taking down the Tailiban and it's operatives. The President has said that once these wars are done and we are out of these countries completely we are going to begin using the money that we have spent on these wars and begin to restore this country by building up our infrastructure and putting American's back to work.

Now the President made alot of promises some of which he has kept and some of which he just couldn't because of the insane extreme right wing conservatives that call themselves Tea Partiers. This is NOT an excuse it is a fact! Our congress {which is ranked the lowest ever in the history of our nation} which is made up of these insane extremists they have fought our President every step of the way but even so he has managed to persevere and  get some huge policies in place. The biggest in my humble opinion is the Affordable Care Act aka Obamacare. This ensures that every American will be able to afford health insurance. It gives you a choice to keep the insurance you have or pay for your own which will be affordable. He has spoken up for same gender equality and I might add he is the ONLY sitting President to do so. This President wants to and is trying to unite Americans  not divide Americans. The very first day in office he signed the Lily Ledbetter act for equal pay for women. I bet Romney/Ryan would never do that. Unemployment has dropped.   There are so many things that the President has done and sure there are things that he hasn't been able to do but that doesn't mean that he hasn't stopped trying. 

The American jobs act has been denied by this insane congress 3 times. It boggles my mind how so many times Romney/Ryan and many of the other tea partiers have claimed that this President has done nothing for the American people and/or getting jobs for them well it has been NO thanks to them. They have been a huge road block in this Presidency. The President had tried many times in the beginning to reach across the isle to work together with this insane congress and had gotten no where so he stopped trying. 

The truth is and here is the[ BIG PICTURE ]that I spoke about at the beginning of this blog, there could be a scenario in this election that could possibly happen that I and I am sure most Americans of like mindedness would not like at all and that would be this: 

Romney/Ryan get elected and along with them comes Murdock/Aiken. They gain seats in the senate and keep seats in the house so now we have the same insane ultra conservatives in office only now there are more of them because they now have the majority once again.
The supreme court looses 2 of it's members to death or retirement. In comes 2 of the most delusional, insane and ludicrous ultra conservative appointees from the Romney/Ryan administration. 1. Let's make a US Constitutional Amendment banning same gender marriage.
All in favor motion carried. 2. Woe Vs. Wade All in favor motion carried. There are probably more.

Paul Grugman said yesterday that if Romney/Ryan get elected that we would likely see a double dip recession. Meaning that this country would add many more years of recovery. They would kill regulations of the banks and businesses.


If this scenario should happen what I want those friends and family members who voted for the Libertairan or those who just didn't bother to vote  to do is to look me in the eye and tell me again how voting your conscious has been a good thing for you, me, the American people and this country.

Now with all this being said I would like to have all my friends and family members realize how important your vote is and don't throw it away. Take the time to research and read.
Two websites that I have found helpful are:
www.snopes.com
www.factcheck.org

I will leave you with one thought from our President: "Our destiny is not written for us, it's written by us. And we can write that next chapter together." ~President Obama

These are MY thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

REGRETS IN LIFE

Everyone has regrets in their life. Some are big and some are small but everyone has some type of regret and if you don't then you haven't lived your life fully yet. This blog post comes one day after finding out about the death of my biological father/ my Dad Alan Reynolds Kidd Jr. His actual death date was September 14th 2012 three days before his 79th Birthday. Hence begins one of my biggest regrets of my life and I do have many regrets in my life. Now by me not being told until 8 days after his death I wasn't able to attend his funeral. I guess that makes this two of the biggest regrets of my life. 

Let's begin with some background of how this man became a part of my life and how I became a part of his. It was 1960 probably around December if you count back nine months. According to my Mom and my Dad the story goes like this. One day my Mom a beautiful 19 year old young woman was at work, at that time she worked in a book store on the main street in downtown, she was up on a ladder getting a book for a customer when outside a man was walking by in his military uniform. My Dad said when he saw her he couldn't believe how pretty she was so he walked into the bookstore. My mom said when she heard the bell on the door she turned to greet the customer and there was my future Dad a 27 year old young man standing there she said he was so handsome. They both began a conversation and a whirl wind romance.

On a cold night in December by the warm fire it happened they made love and I was conceived. My Mom said it was her first time and she was in love. Now my Dad was on leave from the Air Force visiting his parents at the time. When Mom told him she was pregnant he wasn't sure what to do. One of my Uncles was his superior officer and he knew what to do. The two choices my Dad was given was to marry my Mom or become dishonorably discharged. Hence my last name Kidd. They were married for two years but didn't live together for the whole two years. They were divorced and he went his way and she stayed with her family and eventually I came along. He wasn't there when I was born and I didn't meet him until I was older.

When I was 16 I found a letter that he had written my Mom asking to be relieved from child support payments. Since she was remarried she said okay. He already had a family of his own and was retired from the Air Force. I got his address from this letter and wrote him back for the first time. He wrote me back and we began a correspondence. We exchanged pictures and letters. I remember the first picture he ever sent me of himself was him standing with his rifle and a deer hanging from a tree. OMG what a picture to send a 16 year old. But oh well we continued. I still have those letters and each one of them he signed Love Dad.

As I got older my drinking increased and the correspondence stopped. This is where my regrets started but at the time I didn't realize it because I was so busy drinking and smoking dope. I was young and stupid I guess you could say. As time went on I graduated high school and moved to Florida for a few months. Then came home and decided to go to the community college. I graduated from the Surgical Tech school. I was 21 at the time and moved to Chapel Hill where I worked at UNC-CH in the Operating Room. This was my first job and the first time I was really on my own. So of course the drinking increased and so did the dope smoking. My life was spiraling down fast. Then one day I don't know why or what processed me to do this but I called information and I got my Dad's phone number in Virginia. The first time I called him I was 24 years old. I was so nervous that first time that I hung up when he answered the phone. Then I mustered up the courage to call him back a few minutes afterward. When he answered the phone this time he said my name before I could speak. He said I had a feeling it was you. WoW! This was the beginning of our communication again.

We arranged to meet for the first time shortly after this first phone call. My cousin Tammy lives in Richmond and I stayed with her the night before I was to meet my Dad. In fact, she drove me up there to meet him. When he stepped out of his car Tammy and I looked at each other and our mouths dropped open. He was a very attractive man. I could see how my Mom fell for him. We had a great day. It was one of the best days of my life next to my wedding day. We talked and went to museums. We both are/were civil war readers and followers. On this day he told me the story of how he met my Mom and how he felt about her. He said he was very fond of her and he regretted what he did to her as far as the hurt he caused her. He also said his biggest regret was not being there for me. I will never forget his words that day at the cafe table where we were eating lunch. Tears began filling up in his eyes as he talked to me and the words he was saying were heartfelt. He hugged me tight when I left and said let us not loose touch with each other please. 

The next meeting was at his house with his family. It was at Thanksgiving time. I took my baby album with me and as he and I sat out on his porch just the two of us he began to tear up looking at my baby pictures. Here was this retired Air Force pilot tearing up looking at baby pictures of me and shaking his head as he spoke softly to me. He said it looks like your Mom has done a great job raising you to be the special young woman that you are today.At that time I was 24.  Now I am the one tearing up as I type this blog. I felt like a part of his family. But again my drinking and dope smoking got in the way. I began drifting away from my Dad. The letters were fewer and fewer. Then none at all. No more phone calls.
.
After Kathy and I got together I re-read the letters from my Dad to her. Now that I am clean and sober the letters had new meaning to me. In fact reading these letter out loud to Kathy was the first time any one else had ever heard them. I didn't share them with anyone else. She helped me to see that he was reaching out to me for a relationship and had been for all these years. I began sending him Father's Day cards again and Birthday Cards again. I wrote to my sister Kristin and she wrote back. Then Facebook came around and Kristin and my brother Alan and I became facebook friends. My Dad wasn't able to get on Facebook or write or talk on the phone any longer because he had a stoke.

My regret is that my Dad and I lost contact all those years before because of my drinking and smoking dope and the fact that I was too stubborn to see that he was trying the best he knew how to have a relationship with me. But because it seemed that I had to initiate it every time I became oblivious to the fact that he was there for me all I had to do was ask.

Later I found out from corresponding with my sister Kristin through facebook that he also had regrets about our relationship but that he didn't talk much about it because he tended to keep things inside. Well what do you know another character trait that I got from him. I to tended to keep things inside and not let my true feelings show. That is until I met my wife Kathy.

The last time I saw my Dad was a few years ago when he and his wife Sue came down from Virginia to visit Kristin. I will never forget the phone call I got from Kristin. Kathy and I were at the LGBT film festival in Durham when she called. She said her folks were here in town for a visit and how would I like to come over for dinner. I said sure how about Kathy. She thought it wouldn't be a good idea right now and Kathy understood that. So it was with Kathy's blessing that I went to see my Dad and the Kidd family for dinner. On this visit my Dad and I looked at albums of his time in Viet Nam. He said being a pilot he was ordered to do things that he didn't want to do. Kristin said that he never talked about his tour of duty. While Kristin and her Mom were in the kitchen getting dinner ready my Dad and I were sitting out on her couch talking. All of a sudden he reached over to me with his hand and took my chin gently and turned my face to his and kissed me softly on the lips as a father would a daughter and then hugged me. My sister came in the room and took this picture of us. This is the last time I saw or spoke to my Dad.

Many of us have regrets. I regret not doing more to keep up our relationship. I keep regretting not going to see my Dad in the hospital and kissing him on his lips before he died. So many regrets but the one thing I have learned is that all you can do is your best in this life. No one has a crystal ball and no one can keep kicking themselves over regrets. You just have to move on there is no other choice. I love/loved my Dad and wish that we could have gotten to know each other better. I feel as though he loved me in his way.  I only wish that he could have met the woman I love and gotten to know her. Death has a way of putting things in perspective. 

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

LIFE'S CHANGES

I would like to begin this blog with this quote that my therapist Andrea let me copy: "And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom..~Anais Nin. This is one of my favorite quotes and it ties in with the way my life has changed in many ways.We have this framed and on the kitchen bar. We see it every single day when we are at our kitchen sink. I read it and it gives me the courage I need to make decisions concerning my life. Sometimes tough decisions that could affect me in many ways. I am always reminded of what I have heard many many times in AA No Pain No Gain.

The first huge change in my life came when I moved to Raleigh from Southern Pines over 11 years ago. This move opened up my life to new and different in a good way of living. I felt so open and free. My family lives in Southern Pines and it is considered a small town with small town gossip and everyone knew me and knew about me. With my parents living there sometimes it became too close for comfort in many ways and yet in many ways it was a comfort. Still I felt very stifled. 

The second huge change in my life came when I met my future wife Kathy Bundy. She was so different than anyone I had ever met or been with. She is as real as they come in my book. We started as friends and made a strong foundation for our live together. She is truly the biggest blessing in my life along with her family. Life is never dull and it is full of love. She has my heart and my undivided love no matter what life brings us.

The third  huge change in my life came when I wrote a letter to my mom. This was the hardest letter that I have ever written in my life so far. It was a letter that pained me because it opened my inner most thoughts and feelings about my childhood. It was a letter that was painful for my mother to read I am sure. That letter caused an estrangement between us that has lasted over 3 years now. It was something that I truly didn't want to happen. I had this heartfelt feeling that this would bring us closer and open up a whole new communication between us. But it backfired. 

The fourth huge change in my life came when Kathy's mom moved in with us. Nancy or as I call her Mutti, that is mommy in German, she has Alzheimer's disease. There is never a time that Kathy and I stop taking care of eachother while we take care of Mutti. This has brought us closer together not torn us a part. Which I have heard happens with so many other couples. Part of it I think is because when I was going through some difficult times with my mom, before the letter, Mutti said to me I will be your second mother. I remember that and it meant so much to me. There is so much love in our home right now. Even when there is so much craziness.

Life does change and it is up to you to go with it. Grow and learn from changes. No Pain No Gain.

These are my thoughts and feeling from Jillsville.

AMERICA LOST

I have been thinking about this for such a long time now and it just feels like I need to write it down on paper and share it. It just seems that somewhere along the way America has gotten lost. The America that I remember growing up in is different and  not in a good way. I don't know if it was because I was young and not experienced in the "real life" dealings of day to day stuff or the political mud slinging is getting to me. It just seems like America use to be more together and a power to be reckoned with and  people held their heads up with pride. Now it just seems like it is about one political party over another. There definitely is a divide in America today. 

Politics has always been a tough game so to speak. Both sides wanting to win and wanting to help the American people. I remember the day that President Obama was elected I felt such an overwhelming feeling of  patriotism and relief especially after enduring 8 horrible years of Bush. I still have that good peaceful feeling with President Obama being the commander and chief. The thought that Romney/Ryan could step in and continue where Bush left off is scary to me. It will also be the time where women have no say in what happens to them and the choices they make concerning their bodies and their advancement in the workplace. 

The lies and distortions coming from the Romney/Ryan campaign is dividing this country and it is bringing out the worst in people and to top it off the amount of money being put into their campaign is outrageous! Even some members of the Republican party are telling Romney/Ryan to pull certain TV ads from running because they're out and out lies. There is something very wrong with this country when politicians are allowed to lie and distort instead of working together for the good of this country. 

A few to none Republicans have worked with President Obama in a bipartisan way even though President Obama has tried to work with them in the beginning and got no where. In fact, there have been a few of them that have made the comments we will make it so Obama is not re-elected. Here are just a few of President Obama's accomplishments without the help from the Republican party. According to Addicting Info.

1.On his first full day, he froze White House salaries.  http://on.msnbc.com/ewJUIx
2.Within days after taking office, he signed an Executive Ordering an audit of government contracts, and combating waste and abuse. http://1.usa.gov/dUvbu5
3. He committed to phasing out unnecessary and outdated weapons systems, and also signed the Weapons Systems Acquisition Reform Act to stop waste, fraud and abuse in the defense procurement and contracting system. http://bit.ly/hOw1t1 http://bit.ly/fz8GAd
4. Through an executive order, he created the National Commission of Fiscal Responsibity and Reform. http://bit.ly/hwKhKa
5. He pushed through and signed the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, otherwise known as "the stimulus package," despite the fact that not one Republican voted for that bill. In addition, he launched recovery.gov, so that taxpayers could track spending from the Act. http://1.usa.gov/ibiFSs http://1.usa.gov/e3BJMk
6. In his first year, the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act created and sustained 2.1 million jobs and stimulated the economy 3.5%. http://reut.rs/i46CEE
7. He created the Making Home Affordable home refinancing plan. http://1.usa.gov/goy6zl
8.He oversaw the creation of more jobs in 2010 alone than Bush did in eight years. http://bit.ly/hrrnjY
9.He oversaw a bailout of General Motors that saved at least 1.4 million job, and put pressure on the company to change its practices, resulting in GM returning to its place as the top car company in the world. http://lat.ms/zIJuQx
10.He increase infrastructure spending after years of neglect. http://bit.ly/f77aOw
11. He dismantled the Minerals Management Service, thereby moving forward to cut ties between energy companies and the government. http://nyti.ms/bw1MLu
12.Ordered 65 executives who took bailout money to cut their own pay until they paid back all bail out money. http://huff.to/eAi9Qq
13. He advocated for and signed the Mathew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Act, which made it a federal crime to assault anyone based on his or her sexual orientation or gender identity. http://bit.ly/gsMSJ7
14. He issued a Presidential Memorandum reaffirming the rights of gay couples to  make medical decisions for each other. http://1.usa.gov/aUueGT
15. He signed the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Act, restoring basic protections against pay discrimination for women and other workers. This was after the GOP blocked the bill in 2007. Only 5 Republican Senators voted for this bill. http://bit.ly/fT3Cxg
16 He Ended the Iraq War. http://tgr.ph/ru0tyS

These are just a few of President Obama's accomplishments since being in office. Not listed are passing the Affordable Care Act aka Obama Care and being the first sitting President to support same-gender marriage. This is the kind of President that I want in the White House because he truly cares about this country and it's people! He is our only chance to find the lost America.

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

THERE'S NO GOING BACK

I have come to the realization after last week that there is NO going back in time. Most of my Facebook friends consist of high school friends. Now I graduated in 1979 and some of these folks I have not seen in many many years.  During high school I /we never gave much thought to politics. My time was often spent drinking and partying. Also I was raised by a step father and my mom who were extremely conservative. So all my life all I ever heard was how horrible liberal democrats were. So when it came time for me to vote I never checked it out for myself and voted the way my folks did because I never really paid attention to what was going on for myself. Even after high school politics was never a huge concern of mine because I figured it was all fixed anyway so why bother. Once I went out into the world and saw first hand what was going on my whole attitude changed and I began paying more attention.

People grow up and sometimes grow apart. It happens it is just the way life is. Many of my high school friends from the conservative hometown where I was raised are still extremely conservative and forceful in their beliefs just as I am in my liberal beliefs.  With both these forces coming to a head there is no way to come to an understanding so I end up losing their Facebook friend status and that is okay. We are not kids anymore we are grown up adults now and most of us have families and responsibilities. We all also have our own ways of looking at things and at situations.

There's no going back so I am going forward with or without my hometown high school FaceBook friends. I am an adult and I am going to vote for the person that I feel is the best person for the job just as my conservative hometown high school friends are. That is called democracy. 
 
These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville

Life As I Know It In Jillsville: WHAT'S IMPORTANT?

While here at our little cabin in the mountains or as my wife Kathy and I refer to it our mountain getaway cabin, I have been able to do some soul searching and realize what's important is peace and love for one another. While we all have differing opinions the one basic truth is we are human beings and should be treated as such.

 Last night I read a blog that Kathy posted on facebook and it got me to thinking which is what blogs are suppose to do. It was written by a 32 year old man named Conor Gaughan. The title of the blog is We Are Not Arguing Over Chicken. It is in reference to all the craziness over the Chick-Fil-A's CEO's "Christian Values" or to put it more blunt and in Jillsville's terms lack there of. This man is anti gay and that is his right just as it is the right of anyone who feels that we are a threat to the "norm" or "traditional" ways of the American way.


The one thing that Conor Gaughan wrote in his blog that really stood out for and started me to really digging deep was the very first paragraph "Facebook can feel faceless sometimes. Over the last week, the site has seen a lot of conversations about Chick-Fil-A, often among total strangers able to shout at each other just because they happen to have a friend in common. It is worth remembering that behind each unfamiliar head shot or puppy pic is a real person. When you liter your friend's wall with vitriol about the idiocy of your interlocutors, you are talking about people not pixels." We meaning people/human beings have our beliefs and strong convictions Lord Knows I Sure Do and I have never been one to shy away from them or share them to anyone who wants to listen or even if they don't want to listen I will say them anyway because that is who I am. 

I had a good friend Charlene tell me once "Jill you are a very loyal person and that makes you a great friend to have." I said to her I always thought that I was a passionate person especially where equality comes in. She looked at me right in the eyes and said yea that to but your loyalty is what I admire most about you. So I guess that makes me a passionately loyal person to both my friends and to equality for all.

So when I hear about a company or companies that gives money and I mean millions of dollars to groups that are against everything that I stand for and everything that I believe in and have strong convictions about it makes me angry and this in turn makes me think What's Important?. Do I really care what these anti gay and delusional people think? Seriously I have a great life with a great wife and family that loves and supports me in every way. I also have terrific friends that stand by me and believe in me and most importantly love me for who and what I am. 

Now this being said please don't misunderstand I will continue to fight for what I believe in and that is  EVERYONE should be EQUAL and have the same RIGHTS. To me that is important and a must for all human beings. Only now I will do it with more peace and love inside and realize that we are all just people/human beings doing what we believe in. Yes that includes Republicans and Christians. ; )

I will end my blog with Conor's last paragraph of his blog because to me it sums up my blog and my feelings better than I can "Eat all the chicken sandwiches you want. But, realize that behind this debate are real people--kids like the girl in Kentucky who fear for their safety, women like Sally Ride's widow who are denied their spouse's Social Security benefits. Even if it doesn't seem like it, we want nothing more than to leave behind the angry debates on Facebook and on Capitol Hill. There are, after all, a lot of pictures of One Direction and grandkids we would rather be posting, sharing and liking." For us in the gay community it is about fear and right and wrong. To me what's important is PEACE AND LOVE of one another. In the words of Rodney King "Why can't we all just get along?"

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.
Peace Out! 


Here is the link to Conor Gaughan's blog: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/conor-gaughan/chick-fil-a-homophobia_b_1711566.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false#sb=1826579,b=facebook

CO-WORKERS/TEAMMATES

At the clinic where I work we employees are not called co-workers we are called teammates. There was a time when I would scoff everytime we were called teammates. It has taken me a while to understand why we are called teammates and why it fits.  It is because we are more than co-workers we work together like the teammates on an athletic ball team. We in the operating room are a well oiled machine. We all work together for the common good of the team and our patients.

In our clinics athletic ball team our supervisor is the one that positions the teammates and calls the plays. It is up to all of us to carry out the plays and we do with precision and fun. Yes we have fun at work with eachother and we respect eachother and are committed to doing what we do best and that is surgery. We are mix of people straight, gay, black, white, young and older and that is okay. This is the first place where I have worked that I feel comfortable being who I am and accepted, respected and not judged for who I love. We all have our jobs to do and we do them. The thing with us teammates is we know when to have fun and we know when to be serious. All of us are good at what we do and all of us are professional. 

Our Administrator takes her time when hiring people who will become future teammates. There are certain criteria that has to be met. The first and foremost is work ethic. The second is how well they will fit in with the crew that we already have. I must say so far so good. We have a really great team and in my opinion it is unbeatable.  It is the only place that I have worked where I feel good about being a part of the team.


Some of us also see eachother outside of work which makes us a family as well as teammates. We have one anothers backs no matter what happens in our lives. We genuinely care about eachother. That is the essence of us as teammates. We work hard and we play hard and we have fun at work because we do it together as a team.


I am a PROUD teammate and PROUD to be a part of the Blue Ridge Team.


These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

BABY'S BREATH

This morning while I was driving Mutti to Sarah Care I was listening to a CD that was given to me by two friends Michelle and Steven Reines they're also the ones singing on the CD. They wrote one song in particular on this CD that is called I Have Faith In You. This morning this song really touched me deeply and brought tears to my eyes. I think because my Granddad's birthday was the 3rd and my Mom's birthday is coming up on the 23rd of this month. This song is about the birth of their daughter Faith and the love and faith that they have in her. This morning while listening to this song it reminded me of my Mom and my Granddad and the love and faith that they shared with me. This blog is going to be about the love between a mother and daughter. My Mother and Me. Also my Granddad who always called me Pumpkin. I miss him and I miss my Mom. Not because my Mom has died but because my Mom seems to have fallen out of Love with me and it makes me sad. This song brought back memories of Mom and me. Also it reminded me of how much my Granddad loved me and gave me so much of his time and made me feel special.

Some of the lyrics to this song are {You came to me like a cherub on an angel's wing. I wasn't sure I could be what you needed but I am trying. Beautiful baby my child born into so much love feisty and wild and then you grabbed my hand and smiled and I was smitten. I fell in love at 4 o'clock in the morning. Precious little girl so sweet with long fingers and big feet just to be with you is a treat at any hour.} This brought back a memory of my Mom and I sitting at her kitchen table one morning and she telling me the story of my birth. She said that when they brought me in to her and laid me in her arms I was wrapped in a pink blanket and she said that I had a bit of black hair on my head already and she said that she touched my hands and feet just to make sure everything was there and she kissed me on my head, cheek and tummy then she whispered to me that she would try to be the best Mom she could be and she loved me so much and she always would and she said that she always wanted a little girl with brown eyes. She also said to me at her kitchen table that morning that I was in labor for 13 hours with you and we both laughed and she reached over to me and touched my hand then held it and said I Love You and you are so important to me. I will always remember that morning with her. I felt so close to her at that moment and it has stayed with me for a long time even now I remember that morning when I become really sad and feel the loss of us.

The ending of this song goes {And we have faith in you to do everything you intend to but if the darkness finds you let love remind you there is one thing you must do to have faith in yourself everyone loves you especially Granddad so lift your heart and remember all that you have.} This is what I have done since our estrangement from each other. When things seem dark for me I lift my heart and remember all that I have and I allow myself to feel the love that I remember from that morning at her kitchen table and I also remember the love that my Granddad had for me and the way he made me feel so special.

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

Thank You Michelle and Steven Reines for writing this song and for sharing it with me and others.

YARD WORK AND SERENITY

People find serenity in so many different ways. Some find it in meditation, AA meetings, church, prayer or some other ways. I find my serenity working out in the yard. A friend once told me she enjoyed yard work because she liked the outcome of her work in the yard. I feel the same way and I enjoy yard work for the peace and tranquility that is all a part of serenity. It does my heart good to have an idea about the yard and then put it into action and have it come to fruition. Also planting a tree or bush and having it grow into something beautiful. I love seeing the birds flying through the trees or making a nest in the trees that I have planted. It's all about the nature of things for me. Here are some of the examples of my serenity work in the yard.


At one time we had a serenity garden in one corner of our yard that I put in. It was blocked off by lattice and beautiful wooden posts. It had a swing with a top on it and it had a butterfly bush and a beautiful yellow rose bush. I put one of those black small hard rubber ponds in the center of the serenity garden. I was planning on putting fish in the pond but ended up putting potted plants all along the inside of it. Kathy and I both sat in the swing and read our meditation books and drank our coffee. My friend Sue, God rest her soul, would come over and we would sit in the swing and talk about life. We would have friends over and each one of them would sit on that swing and chat with one another.  We no longer have the serenity garden because the swing finally gave out. We now have a compost in the pond with lattice surrounding it. All in all there are good memories belonging to the serenity garden.


A few years ago I went with a friend to a nursery and picked out a cork screw willow and planted it next to the gazebo at our deck. That cork screw willow brought us so much serenity and peace. It also grew higher than our house and it was beautiful. Over the years we had many birds nests and many birds flying through it or landing on limbs and singing.  Such a calmness and tranquility about all this. A couple of years ago we had a tornado here in Raleigh and the tornado went right over our house and took down the cord screw willow. It was a sad day for us but the root ball was still in one piece and the tree was still alive. So we decided to keep the fallen cork screw willow as long as possible. We had friends to bring different objects to place in the fallen cork screw willow. We put lights in the fallen cork screw willow. It was like an enchanted garden. The fallen cork screw willow slowly began to die a couple of weeks ago and the time came to cut up the fallen cork screw willow.  As I took the chain saw to it I said my goodbyes. I also saved some of the limbs and placed them in different places in the yard for the Budster to jump over. I also saved the root ball and the main body of the tree where it arches so the Budster can run under it or climb on it.


So now with the fallen cork screw willow gone there is so much more yard for me to work in and there are so many possibilities for me to put into action and make them come to fruition. A friend of ours gave us a couple of trees and a butterfly bush along with a mum to plant in our yard. That I did today. I also planted some grass seed where the fallen cork screw willow was. So you see my yard work and serenity are never ending for me because it does my heart, body and soul good to dig in the dirt and plant trees and bushes. This is all a part of my serenity and that will never change. All of us should have some way to have serenity. It is time to find what yours is and if you have found it make keep on doing whatever it is.

These are my thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

 

MOMENTS IN TIME

Life is so full of  moments in time. Some of these moments are good some not so good. There are moments in time that cause your heart to skip a beat or a smile to appear on your face and then there are some that make your heart heavy and make you cry. I have so many of these different moments in my life and I absolutely love it when they happen because it means that I am alive and well. It is so important that people allow these moments in time to happen in their lives by paying attention to every day things in your life. Being grateful for the people and moments in your lives.

I am sure that some people think that because I am such an outspoken liberal democrat woman or that I am an advocate for what I absolutely believe in and don't believe in that I must have a miserable life and just because I feel that the Republican party is ruining this country and tell it like I feel it is...Well that just ain't so and it certainly ain't true! My life is so full of love and laughter that sometimes it is unreal to me how I could be living the life I have. It is a life full of blessings and love.

 I have a wife that loves me and tells me so not only in words but in actions. We have each other's backs no matter what. We know each other through and through. We communicate our thoughts and feelings with each other and/or about each other. We have what we call "swing talks". This is where we get together and speak up when something is on our minds about something. It is our "safe place" where no harsh words or judgements can be spoken not that we ever speak harshly  to one another because we never have and I can't see that ever happening. My life is so much more blessed with her in it. We have so many wonderful moments in time together good and bad.

I have a mother in law who lives with us that has severe Alzheimer disease. There are times when she is in her manic Alzheimer's mode where no one can talk to her. These are the moments in time when Kathy and I are totally in sync with one another and together we get through it. There are also the times when Mutti is in a pleasant mood. These are the moments in time when she will look at me after saying something witty and smile that smile of hers and my heart just melts with her glow. No matter what moment in time that we experience with her I Love Her and deep down she probably knows it. Even though there are those moments in time that she doesn't know who I am I still know who she is and that is all that matters.

Our two dogs Torrie and Buddy always give me moments in time like nothing else in my life. Our oldest dog Torrie has a kinship with my mother in law Mutti in that she has doggie Alzheimer's disease. We even looked it up online and she has all the symptoms. My humorous moments in time with Torrie are when Mutti pets her and says to her we are the same you and me. It puts a smile on my face. Now Buddy gives me so many hilarious moments in time. He has brought laughter and wonderment to our lives. This little fella was/is a gift to us. He chose us on Christmas morning as his family by sleeping in the corner of our porch on the bed that I made for him and eating the food that I left for him. He has been our blessing and the best moments in time that we both could ever want or need in our lives.

My life is blessed with really great friends that I can count on if something happens or if I need some help. There are moments in time when Kathy and I will go out to eat with friends I find myself sitting quietly and looking at each one of their faces and watch them smile and listen to them talk and laugh...my heart lifts and I smile and thank God for them being in my life. The same goes for my family members. Kathy's two kids Andrew, Aury ~Andrews wife and Ashley. I enjoy the moments in time of being around them. I especially love the two sibs Andrew and Ashley having their tit for tat conversations that they share when ever those two are together. I love the way Aury's face lights up when she smiles her beautiful smile. It just fills my heart with joy.


I enjoy the moments of time with Kathy's sibs. Barb and her warm hugs lift my spirits. Ralph and his curmudgeon ways. Lee and her family makes me smile. My Aunt Shirley she is the mother of my heart and I am so blessed to have her love and support while I am going through the moments of time without my Mom in my life right now.

Now there are moments in time that aren't the greatest and yes I still have some issues that aren't good but all in all my life is good and I am very blessed to have the life I have. I still have moments in time when I long for a relationship with my mother and I miss her very much and my heart is heavy from the loss. There are moments in time when we have money problems just like other people. But as long as I keep having those moments in time that make my heart skip a beat or flutter with excitement all is well. 

There are moments in time at work when I see a cute little baby come into the operating room with curly hair and a sweetness that lifts my soul. Of course we also have the crying babies that make me sad and hurt for them. But all in all my moments in time at work are good and I am very grateful to have my work when so many don't. I love the people I work with. Sometimes I will sit and watch them in the lounge tell funny stories and I think these are the moments in time that are fantastic to me. There is much laughter and joking around with people that you care about and that care about you that makes it somewhat bearable.

My very first AA sponsor would always say to me "Jill as long as I wake up on this side of the daisies life is good." Everyone should find and be open to those moments in time that make your heart lift up and feel grateful to be alive and grateful for your life.


These are my moments in time and
These are  my thoughts and feelings in Jillsville.

THE TIDE IS TURNING

Okay the time is now for me to speak up and share my thoughts and feelings concerning President Obama's announcement and support of same gender marriage. Many of my "tribe" have called it a political ploy to get our votes. Well in my opinion he already has many of "our" votes and support. According to an article by Bill Moyers called The Obama Effect "In Washington Post-ABC polls earlier this spring, only 41 percent of black voters support gay marriage. Since the president's announcement, that number has shot up to 59 percent." So in reality it seems that he has both "our votes and the majority of black votes. Yay!

I believe it is time for me to share the things that this President has done for my "tribe" since he has been elected: 1. Visitation to hospitals for same gendered couples. 2. Don't Ask Don't Tell has been repealed. 3. Extended Domestic Benefits for Federal Civil Service Workers. 4. The Justice dept. is NOT prosecuting under DOMA. 5. If re-elected he will work with congress to Repeal DOMA. 6. He is the ONLY sitting President to come OUT FOR same gender marriage. And there is probably more that we don't even know about yet that he is doing for us under the radar. Oh yea my vote will be for OBAMA 2012.

Now also according to the Bill Moyers article The Obama Effect ~some gay rights activists still are criticizing President Obama for stressing in his pronouncement that his position is personal, and that he still supports the concept of States deciding the issue on their own. It seems though, that with some persuasive leadership, he may be able to at least influence those decisions.~ I honestly believe in my heart of hearts if or I should say when President Obama is re-elected he will PUSH congress to REVOKE DOMA. Then all the constitutional amendments from states will be null and void.!

Oh by the way has any noticed that the gas prices are coming down and I have noticed that there are MORE HELP WANTED signs out on windows of businesses. The tide is turning. Thank You President Obama.

These are MY thoughts and feelings from Jillsville.

CONFUSION AND QUESTIONS

I just got to say to all of you Homosexuals are human beings not monsters. We deserve to have the SAME no EQUAL rights as Heterosexuals do. That is the right to marry the one we LOVE.  I don't know how many times I feel I Have to/ Need to say this. I guess I will say it until everyone treats us as such and until we have those SAME EQUAL rights as our counter parts .

Not long after the vote one of my brothers put a video up on his facebook. This particular brother of mine is an evangelical minister a follower of Christ as he describes himself. So really the two of us don't have much in common in that aspect of our lives. Also he is an extremely intelligent man who is an author of books and an avid reader. My wife Kathy and he have at times had very in depth conversations because both of these individuals are on the same wave length as far as intelligence goes. In other words there are times I have NO clue what they are talking about with their big words and all. I am a plain simple person as far as if I ask you a question PLEASE answer with simple words. This is just a fact for me.

Anyway...this brother of mine put up a video on his facebook and above it he wrote these words "So I got asked quite a bit about Amendment One. I don't do politics on Facebook, so I did not comment. If you want to know how I feel about the whole issue, check out this video from my favorite preacher from Manhattan. My conservative friends may hate this; my gay friends may hate this. Hopefully, everyone will love the line "heterosexuality doesn't get you to heaven." "What this video is is the Gospel." If anyone wants the link to this video I will gladly get it for you.

Well this statement intrigued me I to was wondering how this North Carolina minister brother of mine voted. But of course I did not dare ask him. I guess I was a bit fearful of his answer and a part of me wanted to believe that he did the correct thing by voting against. But then again I had my doubts because of conversations that we have had in the past about homosexuality. Of course like our President he may have evolved since then. This was probably around 6 or 8 years ago. Time is something I have problems with among other things.

After I watched this video I still had NO clue whatsoever how he voted because the video was WAY over my head and to me ...just to me...it sounded like double talk and avoidance. Mainly because I truly did not understand what he was saying. I guess the Gospel is just over my head. So I of course did what I always do when I don't understand something I asked my wife Kathy to watch the video and see if she could figure it out. She got back to me through email because she is out of town at this time. Her email was long winded as she put in her email back to me when she was finished composing it. She in fact understood what the minister was saying but she said she still didn't know which way my brother voted. She also added that to my brothers credit he has taken the time to research and to search his soul on this issue. Which is truly no surprise to me. I figured he would because that is how he rolls and that is one of the things that I admire and love about him.

Now back to the point of to this whole blog of mine and the reason why I entitled this blog Confusion And Questions it is because one thing that I did catch from this video was the statement from this minister this is the gist of the statement I can't remember the exact things he said but one of the things was that homosexuality is not a sin but the sex is the sin. He also said that Greed is the biggest sin that there is. 

What I want to address most is the homosexual sex sin. Now the way I see it our sex is not so much different from heterosexual sex. Be honest...How many of you heterosexuals out there have had or are having ORAL sex with eachother and How many of you have or have had anal sex with each other? Simple questions to ponder. Now does that mean that heterosexual sex is also a sin? I am truly serious about these questions and these confusions of mine. Also on the Greed statement. When I was a kid I found a wad of money at a drug store and I turned it in to the cashier ...Does that mean that I have a seat on the bus to heaven or because I am having homosexual sex that I don't?

These are my Thoughts and Feelings from Jillsville.